When Jersey Shore‘s famous gang of guidos decided to spend a few days at a dude ranch in the Adirondacks, they had no idea what the outcome of Mike Sorrentino’s sentencing hearing would be.
Now, of course, we know that Sorrentino was sentenced to eight months behind bars for tax fraud.
He’ll likely be released to a halfway house sometime in the next six weeks, but at the time of the random mountain vacation and the heartwarming "ranchelor party," Mike’s future seemed uncertain — and a little bit scary.
But in the meantime, the guidos decided to handle the situation the same way they handle every situation — by partying, of course.
Unfortunately, there was some disagreement as to what sort of party should take place.
Party games and a surprise visit from Mike’s fiancee, or strippers, strippers, and more strippers?
Bizarrely, the crew decided to do both, and somehow — it worked out.
Lauren Pesce (or "Laurens," as she’s known on the show, for some reason) didn’t seem bothered by the presence of every stripper in the Tri-State area, and she and Mike eventually made their way to their own cabin, complete with rose petals on the bed and a pair of assless chaps.
(Serious question: Is "assless chaps" a redundancy? Is there any other kind of chap?)
There were other developments, of course, including Snooki getting so plowed there were times when it looked like we were about to witness a death by alcohol poisoning.
But the big drama of the night came when Ronnie Ortiz-Magro decided to ask Jenni Farley about her relationship.
Farley was going through a divorce at the time and clearly had no interest in discussing the matter with Ron — or anyone, for that matter.
And yet, he persisted — operating under the logic that if she had such strong opinions about his tumultuous relationship with Jen Harley, then her relationship should be fair game, as well.
"That’s how you fell in love, right?" Ron asked Jenni referring to Mike and Laurens.
"I don’t want to be on camera with this," said an unusually taciturn JWoww.
"It’s already out there, so just…" he replied.
"We don’t talk about it here, though," she promptly interrupted.
It may seem a bit unbalanced, but Jenni may have made it clear that her relationship was off-limits for her discussion on the show, which makes Ron quite the d-bag for pursuing it.
"You acting like you feel nothing? That doesn’t work for nobody ever," he later said while opening up to Angelina, of all people.
"Like, when me and Jen [Harley] fight, and she acts like — that makes me more mad. You know? Be real."
In the midst of a full-on Ron-page and egged on by Angelina, he continued.
"Stop acting like you’re not hurting. That’s what I’m saying. Stop acting like you’re not hurting," Ron said.
"There’s no way that this man is — I know what he’s going through. To be with somebody that’s so cold and shows no emotion and is just so — and all you do is give and give and give, like, it hurts."
And in a confessional segment at the end of the show, Ron hit us with this kicker:
"That’s why me and Roger [Mathews] are so close ’cause we’ve been dealing with the same person."
To be fair, this was before Jenni accused Roger of abuse, but it was still out of line.
In fact, it made us rewind to the scene where Ronnie busted his ass running from a wasp in order to enjoy that slapstick 18 more times.
Dude had it coming!