DING! DING! DING!
Is it really about to be on between Justin Bieber and Tom Cruise?
That’s a question we never thought we’d be asking, but Bieber himself has gone ahead and forced us to ponder the possibility.
For reasons that remain unknown, the singer Tweeted a challenge to the actor over the weekend, writing very simply and mysteriously on his account:
I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to fight in the octagon.
Tom if you dont take this fight your scared and you will never live it down. Who is willing to put on the fight? @danawhite ?
White is the owner of UFC and someone who could, conceivably, sanction this fight, pay each combatant and air the battle on pay-per-view.
He is yet to respond to the strange request, however — nor has Cruise said a word about what may just be some sort of publicity stunt on Bieber’s behalf.
But what if it is not?
What if Justin Bieber hated Mission: Impossible – Fallout or is pissed he wasn’t cast in the upcoming Top Gun sequel or something and is so angry at Cruise that he really does want to beat him up?
If this is the case, we’d left with no choice but to pose the obvious question to our staff.
And that question is this:
WHO WOULD WIN A FIGHT BETWEEN JUSTIN BIEBER AND TOM CRUISE?
Cruise by Tyler Johnson
Sadly, an MMA bout between Tom Cruise and Justin Bieber will probably never take place, because that would be a truly win-win event for all of humanity.
No matter which party emerged victorious, it would be well worth the pay-per-view price to see the opposing fighter get knocked senseless.
As for which pint-sized pugilist would come out on top, it seems clear to me that Tom would smack the thetans out of Justin.
Now, Cruise remains the face of an international cult that’s been accused of everything from slave labor to sex-trafficking, so he’s definitely more deserving of a smackdown than Justin, whose most egregious crime remains acting like sort of a douche for most of his life.
But at an according-to-his-publicist height of 5’7” and a weight of 170 pounds, Tom has the much stockier frame.
Add to that the fact that he’s been doing his own stunts for several decades, and it seems clear to me that Tom would easily overcome his 31-year age disadvantage to do exactly what millions of middle-aged dads have wanted to do after dropping an entire paycheck on concert tickets for their daughters:
We’re talking, of course, about pounding the snot out of Justin Bieber
Obviously, we’ve never seen him step into the ring before, but we’re guessing Cruise would bust out evasive maneuvers like Maverick and leave Justin as lifeless as Lestat.
Maybe after someone waves some smelling salts under Justin’s nose, we can finally figure out why the hell he randomly challenged Tom Cruise to a fight.
Cruise by Simon Delott
Justin is young and presumably spry.
So… why in the world would I predict that Tom Cruise would crush it in a fight?
Because Justin Bieber is only human.
Tom does his own stunts and is an acting machine.
That’s why he gets work even though he’s the poster boy for an alleged predatory enterprise. Tom has no thetans or even normal human thoughts to hold him back in a fight.
Think about it this way: imagine if Justin Bieber were to fight a man-sized robot.
Now imagine that that robot is part of a cult.
The Biebs stands no chance.
That said, do they really need to fight? They’re both aging sex symbols who aren’t nearly as popular as they once were.
They’re both also very visible members of very different but controversial churches that cater to celebs.
Justin’s weird MMA fight challenge Tweet could be the start of a beautiful friendship, but that’s about it. Cruise in a knockout.
The Internet by Hilton Hater
Justin Bieber is a Fake Tough Guy, while Tom Cruise is just a Fake… Guy.
The former likes to take off his shirt and show off his many tattoos — as he stands behind a phalanx of security guards.
The latter has been programmed since his On-Switch was flipped to smile at all times, regardless of time, place or his actual mood.
Yes, Cruise famously performs his own stunts, but that’s still what they are: stunts. They are, by definition, phony and contrived.
This descriptions fit Tom Cruise as well, who would be so confused by his surroundings if actually placed inside an octagon and asked to not merely act, but to actually be all mean and tough and to throw an actual punch or kick… that he would short-circuit on the spot.
Bieber, meanwhile, would run out to the ninth row and ask someone there to hold him back; hold him back!
The fact that Bieber is 5’7" and Cruise is, like 4’2" might actually tilt the bout in the actor’s favor.
Bieber would have difficulty just leaning down and connecting with Cruise’s jaw.
But Bieber is more than three decades younger than Cruise; with the way Hailey Baldwin talks about her sex life with the singer, we’ve gotta imagine his stamina is pretty strong these days.
So let’s call it a wash from a physical perspective.
Yes, Justin is good friends with Chris Brown, but he only knows how to hit women, so any advice Brown could offer would be wasted when the opponent has a penis.
The truth is that this fight probably won’t happen and that neither star seems capable of mixing it up for real if he ever did step between any ropes.
This is why there can only be one true winner any time the topic of Bieber versus Cruise is broached.
It’s not the singer who loves to play victim; nor is it the actor who just loves to play.
It’s the creators of content across the Internet who get to spend ample time at their jobs breaking down this hypothetical matchup and hopefully entertaining their loyal readers while doing so.
Thank you for joining us.