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If you’re not familiar with Piers Morgan then read no further, as your life is certainly richer for the lack of this knowledge.

But if you simply must know, Piers is the British equivalent of Rush Limbaugh, but without the sex appeal.

Piers Morgan Image
Photo via Brian To/

The only thing hotter than Piers’ damp, pendulous undercarriage after he scales a flight of 3-4 stairs are the idiotic takes that the British media somehow still pays him to spew all over their unsuspecting audiences.

Lately, Piers has set his sights on Meghan Markle, and like so many of his rodent-like colleagues in the UK tabloid media, he’s often brutal in his assessment of the duchess’ character.

In most cases, there’s no mystery as to why British media figures are so relentlessly critical of Meghan (j/k, it’s racism), but in Piers’ case, the disdain seems to be deeply personal.

Piers, M
Photo via Getty Images

You see, Meghan met with Piers back when she was an actress on Suits and relatively little-known on the international level.

At this time, Piers would have actually been more famous than Meghan, which is probably why he thought he had a shot in hell at seducing her.

Unfortunately, his one-time meeting with Rachel Zane never developed into the fairytale romance Piers envisioned, and so, when Meg became a staple in the UK media due to her relationship with Harry, Piers saw an opportunity for revenge and seized it.

Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain
Photo via Good Morning Britain

For years now, he’s been publishing obnoxious op-eds and shooting off his mouth at every opportunity.

Earlier this month, he wrote an article in which he argued that Meghan had “ruined” Harry by accepting his marriage proposal, and thus preventing him from living the frat lad life into his forties and fifties.

This week, the one-sided Morgan-Meghan feud continued, as Piers assailed the Duchess of Sussex during an appearance on the Australian version of the Today show.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, Hand in Hand
Photo via Getty

Piers kicked things off by referring to Meghan as a “social climber.”

When the interviewer asked about his previous comment that Meg “is really fake and a piece of work” Piers doubled-down, saying:

“You know what I’m sorry to have to say I’m afraid I think she is.

“Although some people really like her and are falling for this act I’m afraid I see a bit of hard-nosed actress,” he added.

Meghan Markle Happy
Photo via Getty Images

“She’s been using people on her way up to what is now, of course, the top, which is marrying into the royal family.”

Astonishingly, Piers went on to essentially confirm that he’s still pissed at Meghan because she ghosted him two years ago:

“I had a couple of pints of real ale and she had dirty martinis,” he said, recalling their evening together.

“She said afterward in the cab, ‘I had a great time. Love to see you again.’ It was purely platonic I hasten to add. She went in that cab that night to a party Prince Harry was at and the next night she went on the date with him,” Piers continued.

“I never heard from her again. Ever. I don’t like people that behave like that. It’s kind of rude. It showed me that she, I’m afraid, is probably a bit of a social climber.”

Piers Morgan or Prince Harry? How did Meghan ever make such a difficult decision?

Morgan concluded by talking some direct trash to Meghan’s husband:

Meghan Markle: Bumpin!
Photo via Getty

“Good luck to Harry,” Morgan said.

“I hope he knows what he’s doing. If it all goes wrong don’t come crying to me. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Yeah, we’re sure members of the royal family often turn to Piers freakin’ Morgan when their marriages crumble.

You almost have to admire this level of delusion. Almost.