This morning, our large adult president, Donald Trump, took to Twitter to share the news that ISIS has been defeated in Syria.
This is obviously BS, as the terrorist group claimed credit for an attack in Raqqa just ten minutes before Trump's announcement, but still -- the optimistic assessment must have come as welcome news to one of the internet's most prominent bearded weirdos.
In case you're unfamiliar, Twitter founder and CEO Jack Dorsey is what would happen if someone took Mark Zuckerberg's obliviousness to Nazis and mashed it together with Russell Brand's performative spirituality.
As you can see from his attire, at all times Dorsey is prepared to do DMT with Joe Rogan at a moment's notice.
As far as we know, that consciousness-elevating bro-down has yet to transpire, but Dorsey has spent a lot of time jawing about chakras and sh-t with another one of social media's favorite weirdos.
Even if you're not familiar with Azealia Banks' music, you're probably aware of some of her bizarre celebrity feuds.
Most recently, Banks attacked Elon Musk in a bizarre social media tirade, claiming that she witness the Tesla CEO making important business decisions while tripping on acid.
At the time, a lot of media outlets cast doubts on Banks' claims, but perhaps we should give her the benefit of the doubt -- as eccentric CEOs really seem to let their guard down around the rapper.
Before she was booted off Twitter in 2016, Banks tweeted that Dorsey has “sent me his hair in an envelope because I was supposed to make him an amulet for protection.”
On that occasion as well, the claim was widely dismissed, but now -- in the Christmas miracle we never knew we needed -- it's been confirmed that Dorsey asked Banks to use her witchcraft to protect him from ISIS:
“A source who worked with him told me Dorsey had sent a rapper his beard shavings to make him an amulet that would protect him from evildoers," Vanity Fair reporter Nicky Bilton wrote in a recent profile of Dorsey.
Proving that American journalism is alive, well, and thriving in these difficult times, Spin magazine picked up the ball and ran with it, confirming that the rapper in question was indeed Banks:
“At the time, Banks said Dorsey promised to promote her mixtape Slay-Z in exchange for her promoting his cash transfer app Square and her crafting him a magical object that might protect him from ISIS, which had threatened Dorsey in a video earlier that year,” SPIN wrote.
“Dorsey never tweeted about the project and presumably never received the amulet.”
In other words, Dorsey sought protection from ISIS, didn't get it, and pissed off a famously short-tempered witch in the process.
Not only that, dude shaved his beard for nothing!
Without outlandish facial hair, how are people supposed to know he's a rich a-hole who meditates, and not just some regular rich a-hole?!