Like millions of Americans, you may have logged into social media yesterday and found yourself perplexed by the day’s trending topics.
Mushrooms? Mario Kart? Toad?! Why were so many of your fellow citizens taking a sudden interest in fungal delicacies and iconic characters from Nintendo racing games?
Perhaps it was at that point that you dug a little deeper and found yourself burdened with a mental image that will remain with you for the rest of your days and prevent you from ever laying eyes on the Rainbow Road or a pan of roasted chanterelles without throwing up in your mouth a little.
Yes, the whole world now knows that Donald Trump’s penis is a stunted, misshapen thing that bears an unfortunate resemblance to a mushroom.
And not just any mushroom, mind you, but the bulbous motorist below, who will now be forever associated with the world’s most unsightly dick … as well as the misshapen genitals that seem to have made that dick so insecure. Zing!
The whole situation is funny and extremely sad, sort of like a Louis C.K. special watched in the context of 2018.
And it comes to us courtesy of our new Queen of All Media, Ms. Stormy Daniels.
In an excerpt from her aptly titled new book, Full Disclosure, the adult film star-turned-whistleblower described the presidential wang thusly:
“He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool.”
In case she hadn’t already made it abundantly clear that the Donald didn’t exactly rock her world, Daniels added:
“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting f-cked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart … It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had.”
Obviously, that description doesn’t thoroughly jibe with the image of the cuck-trampling supreme MAGA-monster that the president likes to convey to his supporters.
So it should come as no surprise that Trump has been in non-stop tantrum mode ever since Daniels’ excerpts went public:
“Donald is absolutely livid about Stormy Daniels‘ description of his penis and bedroom performance,” a source close to the president tells Hollywood Life.
“He prides himself on his manhood, and he’s furious that he’s been made into this figure of ridicule. He can’t stand being mocked like this.”
"He’s kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place though,” the source explains.
“He’s constantly denied having any kind of sexual relationship with Stormy, so he has to be careful how he retaliates, as not to go against his past denials. But, he wants to hit back hard.”
The insider says Trump’s team has warned him against responding to Daniels’ allegations via Twitter, but apparently, the Donnie wranglers are aware that they’re essentially dealing with an enraged middle-schooler who just suffered the ultimate locker room embarrassment:
“But you never know with Donald, he’s a loose cannon and doesn’t follow advice from anybody,” says the source.
In other words, expect a tweet about Donnie’s dong within the next 24 hours.
Unfortunately, for Trump, pretty much the only way he could convince the world that Stormy is lying is by getting Little Donald ready for his close-up and posting a pic for his millions of followers.
In other words, he’d have to pull a Weiner in more ways than one.