We were promised hookups, tears, and feuds in the Season 5 trailer for Bachelor in Paradise. And it looks like they've already begun to deliver.
Colton's long-awaited reunion with Tia Booth was a lot more complicated than either of them had imagined.
And even though there's now a gang of stars determined to take down Colton, this couple is only part of the drama. ...
First we have to talk about Tia Booth and Colton Underwood.
Or, rather, about just Tia -- because Colton wasn't there yet.
That's right. Producers are messy b--ches who live for drama (literally, it's their livelihood), so they brought Tia in before Colton arrived ... and they gave her a date card.
Don't get us wrong, Tia totally had Colton on her mind. It had been months -- she revealed that they hadn't gotten to chat since The Bachelorette.
But Tia's no fool -- she had the date card and, hey, Chris was right there.
To be fair to Chris, he went on this date with Tia with the impression that Colton was a thing of the past for her.
At the risk of sounding like a gossiping 11-year-old, we report that the two of them totally made out.
She even said "Colton who?" while they were kissing, which is ... a great way to tell the person you're kissing that you are, in fact, thinking about someone else.
Of course, as soon as this thing was Chris was underway, Colton arrived. Because of course that's how they timed it.
Producing a reality series is a genuine art form, folks.
Colton was also given a date card right off the bat.
After what we imagine was some gentle prodding from producers, he did speak to some of the other fine young women in Paradise.
But he did, of course, hit things off with Tia again -- for the first time in nearly half a year.
They kissed, and Tia was clearly over the moon.
Colton wants to figure out what this situation really means for him.
Ah, Grocery Store Joe.
We know from previews that he gets into conflict with Leo, but right now, he's living his best life and enjoying flirtations with just about every woman in Paradise.
Joe likes Tia, but Tia likes Colton (and liked Chris, however briefly).
Krystal likes Joe, but Joe likes Kendall. This, as we know, will lead to Leo calling him a "Grocery Store B--ch" which sounds like a turn-of-the-century insult that a farmer would hurl at a city-slicker.
Krystal also likes Kevin, so we'll keep our eyes on that as it develops.
Speaking of Kevin, he still has some sore feelings about his breakup with Ashley Iaconetti and her abrupt engagement to Jared.
Let's see, what else?
Chris is teaming up with Nick and Jordan to take down Colton, which sounds totally plausible if they're sitcom characters or supervillains but is otherwise super weird to hear from adult ment.
Not as weird as Chris calling himself "Goose," but still weird. Especially since they're (sort of) the "Goose Gang."
No part of that is not awkward.
This is only the beginning of the drama, of course. There's so much more to follow -- including a lot of tears.