Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 9 Recap: The Talk of Montauk

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On Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 9, Sandoval, Schwartz and Jax vowed not to let Lala’s no-show ruin Ariana’s birthday weekend.

Easier said than done, obviously.

Meanwhile, Stassi’s Montauk birthday trip hit the skids early when Schroeder broke down in tears following her recent romantic split.

Ariana's BF Tom Sandoval invited Tom Schwartz, Jax Taylor, Brittany Cartwright and Lala Kent to join them for a crazy birthday weekend.

Lala no-showed, sending Ariana a text to apologize for bailing last-minute, which raised plenty of eyebrows. More on that later.

Sandoval surprised the group with an RV he dubbed the “Sonoma Express.” Hope he got insurance when he signed the waiver. 

While Jax would’ve preferred a “vodka vineyard,” a wine tasting was first on the agenda, followed by a NASCAR camping trip.

Oh yes. The crew split up for some guy and girl talk, respectively, On the guy side, “I need to have sex!” a drunk Tom shouted.

“I want to have sex!”

Apparently Ariana Madix isn't down with fun in the bedroom as much as she used to be? That's a bummer, but they'll turn it around.

Tom Sandoval & Ariana Madix: NYLON Magazine's Muses and Music party

Jax, meanwhile, confessed that he's worried he will end up sabotaging his relationship with Brittany, "because that’s what Jax does.”

Maybe so, but when Brittany and Ariana stumbled over, ready to steak with their hands and enjoy their guys, all was right with the world.

At least in California. Not New York.

Stassi Schroeder and the rest of the girls flew to Montauk, Long Island, for a beach getaway 3,000 miles from home ... because obviously.

Despite her repeated fallings out with the group, Scheana Shay decided to join Stassi and company. The producers have some sway.

Of course, you can lead a Scheana to alcohol, but you can't make her drink, because if she doesn't have the “right straw,” it ain't happening.

She even turned down a celebratory shot at dinner, leaving Stassi visibly annoyed with Scheana, which of course was Scheana's goal.

Stassi Schroder & Scheana Shay: NYLON Magazine's Muses and Music party

Fortunately, or unfortunately, Scheana’s negativity had other avenues to be channeled into, such as her failed relationship with Patrick Meagher.

Stassi wept over her single status.

Being around a married friend (Scheana), an engaged friend (Katie Maloney) and a “90% perfect relationship” friend (Kristen) is tough.

Now, you don't need to watch Vanderpump Rules online to know that Scheana and Mike Shay are divorcing, and Kristen Doute is bonkers.

Stassi isn't as alone as she might think, but she was still feeling melancholy even as Hamptons men - young and old - expressed interest.

“Gray pubes? Nah, I can’t!” she said.

So much for silver foxes, but skinny-dipping in public seemed to be the cure she desperately needed for her birthday blues, at least.

Lala Kent and James Kennedy

Meanwhile, Lisa may have fired James Kennedy, but "unfortunately, I can’t fire him from being friends with my son,” Lisa said of Max.

Indeed, those two are buds, so despite James getting fired from SUR, he's still a presence there - and the LVP took advantage of that.

She asked her ex-employee why Lala ditched Ariana, to which the British DJ responded, “The only thing I can think of is her boyfriend.”

“If she’s told not to go to Sonoma, that could’ve been two minutes before the plane [took off], and she wouldn’t have boarded it," he adds.

"She’s completely wrapped around this guy’s finger.”

JK expressed concern for Lala, and LVP agreed.

Do they have reason to worry? The way they're making it sound in this conversation, we may know the real reason she bailed.

And why Lala Kent quit Vanderpump Rules, for that matter.

“I don’t know if she’s dating a married man or not, but she’s dating somebody that’s shrouded in mystery," the boss lamented.

"She’s not allowed to speak his name out loud,” Lisa said.

“I think Lala really deserves a little bit better than that."

Doesn't everybody? Surprising as it anytime James is the voice of reason, we do think Ms. Kent shouldn't settle for some sugar daddy.

There are nice, normal guys she can give good dome to.

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