Donald Trump Accused of "Perverted Sexual Acts," Blackmail at Hands of Russia

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Donald Trump may be in serious trouble.

We're talking serious, BIGLY trouble, like no politician has ever been in before.

On Tuesday night, mere hours before Barack Obama made us all cry during his Farewell Address, multiple news outlets reported that Trump may have been compromised by Russia.

In a stunning, 35-page document, anonymous sources allege that the foreign power has been blackmailing and colluding with the President-Elect over "salacious" personal and professional information it has cultivated on Trump over the years.

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It's important to note that the information contained in this report has not been verified by any U.S. intelligence agencies at the moment.

But Buzzfeed has actually published the full, unverified dossier - which has been circulating among elected officials, intelligence agents and journalists for weeks - that outlines how the Russian government has been “cultivating, supporting and assisting” Donald Trump for years.

A synopsis of this packet was reportedly given to Trump and Obama at some point this month.

Both have been made aware of the damning intel Russia has gathered on Trump.

The document was prepared by a former British intelligence agent. Among other shocking claims, it says:

- Trump was first approached by Russian officials in 2013 when he was in Moscow for the Miss Universe Pageant.

- His lawyer, Michael Cohen, held clandestine meetings with Russian officials in Prague in which he discussed pay-offs to Russia for the nation having hacked into U.S. email accounts in an attempt to sway the election toward Trump.

- Trump “accepted a regular flow of intelligence from the Kremlin,” including on his Democratic and political rivals.

- During a trip to Moscow, in which he stayed in the same Ritz-Carlton room as Barack and Michelle Obama once stayed, Trump asked prostitutes to defile the bed on which The First Couple once slept by peeing on each other.

You can read the entire document HERE.

You may draw your own conclusions and you may read every detail of this alleged relationship between Trump and Russia.

But, as you might, expect, the Internet is focused on one specific aspect of the report:

The whole golden shower thing.

Here is the excerpt from the dossier that highlights this allegation:

According to Source D, where s/he had been present, Trump’s (perverted) conduct in Moscow included hiring the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton Hotel where he knew President and Mrs. Obama (whom he hated) had stayed on one of their official trips to Russia, and defiling the bed where they had slept by employing a number of prostitutes to perform a ‘golden showers’ (urination) show in front of him.

Along with (great) jokes about R. Kelly now singing at Trump's inauguration, Twitter could not help but go off on the assertion that Donald Trump asked prostitutes to pee all over each other in his presence.

To wit:

shower tweets

Chelsea Handler referred to Kanye West's blonde hair, shared a photo of the rapper with Trump and wrote:

"Kanye’s new hair makes a lot more sense now #GoldenShowers."

The following Joe Biden meme is also making the hilarious rounds:

joe b meme

Of everything listed in this document, Trump paying for golden showers may be the least important allegation.

It would simply paint the President-Elect as someone with unique sexual tastes, not as someone working with a foreign power to undermine the U.S. democracy.

But we'll save the in-depth political analysis for CNN, Fox News and MSNBC.

We're The Hollywood Gossip. What else are we going to focus on aside from Trump's supposed desire to soil a bed in which the Obamas once slept with prostitute urine?

For his part, Trump has referred to this entire report as a "witch hunt."

Sorry, as a "WITCH HUNT."

witch hunt tweet

He, along with Mike Pence, also linked to an article in something called Lifezette.com titled "Fake News: BuzzFeed Runs ‘Unverifiable’ Trump-Russia Claims" as proof that the whole thing is BS.

This random website is run by conservative talk show host and outspoken Trump supporter Laura Ingraham.

And BuzzFeed itself wrote several times that the report is "unverified."

This is all a lot to digest, we know. But don't think too much about it.

Just look forward to Trump's press conference today, hope the media does its job in pressing him on everything related to Russia...

... and enjoy some more golden shower jokes on Twitter!

more pee jokes
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