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If you watched The Crown on Netflix, you know that Queen Elizabeth II is a bad bish with zero f-cks to give.

Unfortunately, even the world’s longest-serving autocrat (“See ya in hell, Castro!” – QE2) is bound to occasionally come up against a rival that she can’t decimate with a withering glare.

It seems the Queen is currently squaring off against two formidable foes, both of which are conspiring to deliver gifts of unwanted drama this Christmas:

The first unwelcome guest is a mystery illness.

Described by Buckingham Palace officials as a “heavy cold,” this has forced the Queen and her husband, Prince Philip, to delay their annual train trip to Sandringham Hall.

Bad colds may not sound like cause for concern.

However, Elizabeth and Philip are 90 and 95, respectively, and at that advanced age, the slightest illness can have dire consequences.

Palace insiders say the royal couple did make the trip today, about 24 hours behind schedule, and traveled by helicopter instead of train in order to make up lost time.

Some of the more ridiculous tabloids are breathlessly fretting about the Queen’s health, but they’ve been doing that for about 20 years.

Still, her illness serves as a reminder – spoken or unspoken – that Elizabeth doesn’t have too many Christmases remaining,

And it’s made Prince William and Kate Middleton’s decision to spend the holidays with her family all the more scandalous.

Not surprisingly, the decision has prompted the usual round of rumors that Kate and the Queen are feuding.

Will Kate George Charlotte Wave Goodbye Canada
Photo via Andrew Milligan/WPA Pool/Getty Images

(There have even been some reports that Kate decided to stay closer to home because she’s pregnant with her third child, which doesn’t make much sense, but hey – those headlines aren’t gonna click themselves!)

But now, sources close to the Duke and Duchess say that the decision is simply the result of Kate’s desire to … be a good mom.

She wants to give her two children a kid-friendly Christmas that isn’t packed with wall-to-wall photo ops and stuffy formal occasions.

“The decision has been made out of a desire to put Charlotte and George first,” parenting expert Lisa Clegg tells the Daily Mail.

“If William and Kate can take a step back from Official Royal duties at certain times, in order to keep life as simple and normal as possible for George and Charlotte then that’s absolutely the right decision.”

Kate Middleton Glares at William
Photo via Getty

We hate to keep coming back to The Crown (although, seriously, binge that shiz over your Christmas break. It’s more House of Cards than Downton Abbey.), but it’s interesting to compare it to real life.

So much of the show dealt wit theh difficulties that arise when duty to family conflicts with duty to country, and now the Kate seems to be sending a clear message that her family will always come first.

It’s like she watched the show and had a horrific vision of her son and daughter growing up to look and act like Prince Charles, and she immediately turned to William like:

“Tell ya granny we ain’t goin’ to Sandringham, fam.”

We hear Kate is 100% hood behind closed doors. True story.