Donald Trump Defends 3 a.m. Revenge Porn Tweet, Might Be Some Sort of Coked-Up Vampire

by at .  Updated at .

If you watched the first debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on Monday night, you might've noticed a couple strange things about Donald Trump.

Okay, you might have noticed many, many strange things about Donald Trump during the debate, but for the sake of time and our own sanity, we'll just stick to two things that would've made for some of the weirdest television of the year, even if they'd come from a fictional character and not a real-life guy who wants the nuke codes.

Donald Trump Makes a Point

First there was the Alicia Machado business.

In case you missed it, Machado is an actress and former beauty pageant contestant whom Trump has bullied and body-shamed repeatedly over the years.

Alicia Machado Photo

In one of the debate's more surprising moments, Clinton addressed Trump's ongoing harassment of Machado, and instead of apologizing for his past remarks, the GOP nominee doubled down and even attacked Rosie O'Donnell again for good measure.

The next morning, Trump called in to Fox News, seemingly for the sole purpose of attacking Machado again:

The other aspect of the debate that received the most attention from non-news media the morning after involved Trump's sniffling.

It might seem like a bizarre thing to fixate on, but the guy was really sucking air through his nostrils like Rick James with allergies.

Former Vermont governor Howard Dean even took to social media to speculate that Trump might be doing cocaine.

So what does the sniffling have to do with the attack on Machado?

Thanks for asking, hypothetical reader!

As you've probably heard by now, Trump took to Twitter around 5 am EST to inform his followers about an old Alicia Machado sex tape, and how, therefore, she should be deported ... or some such nonsense:

"Did Crooked Hillary help disgusting (check out sex tape and past) Alicia M become a U.S. citizen so she could use her in the debate?"

Take a moment to reflect on the fact that this guy wants to be President of the United of the States, and there's actually a chance that that might happen.

Donald J. Trump

Okay, now that you're sufficiently terrified, let's set aside the fact that a major party's presidential candidate has resorted to revenge porn and focus on the timing of those tweets.

Aside from drunken frat douches across the land, who tweets about sex tapes at 5 am?!

Even better, Trump is either not clear on when he sent the tweets out, or he was in a time zone where it was even earlier, because he tweeted this just moments ago:

Donald Trump Alicia Machado Tweet

1. Who spells out numbers in a tweet? C'mon, you're working with limited character space! Use it wisely!

2. Man, we dismissed Dean's comment as a low blow, but a coke habit really would explain a lot about the Donald.

That said, we don't actually believe Donald Trump is using cocaine.

The guy boasts about the fact that he's never even been drunk, and we're sure his ego is enough to get him all worked up for his rallies.

But other than cokeheads, who stays up all night tweeting outrageous BS?

Donald Trump Debate Pic

(There's no evidence of an Alicia Machado sex tape, by the way.)

Well, we guess that question is just the latest in the long line of Trump-related mysteries.

For that matter, who else effortlessly controls the minds of others, is cursed with an otherworldly skin color, and seems to want to bring the human race to an end?

Whoa. We may have just figured out his secret:

Clearly, Donald Trump is the world's least sexy vampire.

Donald Trump Debate Photo

Feel free to spread that around.

Just don't blame us when you get hit with a yuuuuuge lawsuit. 

We're talkin', like, really enormous, folks.

Show Comments
Tags: , , ,