We live in a terrifying world in which an orange-haired freak is stalking the countryside, threatening violence and spreading panic to the masses.
But enough about Donald Trump! There are killer clowns out there, people!
Yes, as you may have heard, roving gangs of deranged freakin' clowns have been making your nightmares come to life across the country.
Posses of mentally ill circus performers have been spotted in ten states, and it looks like they've progressed from simply scaring the ever-loving sh-t out of kids to actually assaulting people.
We know, it's tough not too make light of the growing clown crisis, but there's nothing funny about the situation that unfolded in Reading, Ohio over the past 24 hours:
Kim Youngblood says she was smoking a cigarette outside her apartment building at around 2:45 am, when a man dressed as a clown approached and her grabbed her by the throat.
According to a police report, Youngblood says the clown told her, "I just kill you now" before he released his grip.
Thankfully, Youngblood wasn't injured.
Unfortunately, her encounter with the clown wasn't over yet.
Before stalking away into the night, the clown reportedly told Youngblood that "some students and teachers would wish they were never born at the Jr. and Sr. High School today.”
Due to the odd specificity of the threat (junior and senior high schools?) and the fact that it came from a grown-ass man walking around at 3 am dressed like a clown, schools throughout Reading were closed today.
After making the threat, the clown "squeezed [Youngblood] harder for a second then pushed her away and fled the area,” according to a police report.
“The safety of our students is paramount, so we decided to make the decision to close,” a school official told the New York Post today.
This story already sounds like some sort of bad early Halloween prank, and sadly, it gets worse.
There have been clown sightings in states from Georgia to Colorado.
Residents in Carolinas have been cautioned about dangerous clowns.
Children in NC reported that a clown tried to lure them into the woods.
As far as anyone knows the predatory Bozo is still at large.
Even more shocking is the fact that copy-cat clowning appears to be an international phenomenon.
The video above is about a clown who spent several years freaking people out in the UK.
Unlike his American counterparts, however, the guy never got violent or tried to kidnap anyone.
Like this year needed to get any weirder.
Be afraid, folks. Be very afraid.