Back in November, Charlie Sheen revealed that he's HIV positive, but if you were concerned that the illness would force the erratic actor to interrupt his regular schedule of dangerously batsh-t behavior, fear not:
The Sheenius is as psychotic as ever, and aside from the occasional death threat issued to one of his exes, most of Sheen's current entanglements are directly related to his illness.
First there was the news that Sheen may be facing jail time for allegedly lying to former sex partners about his condition.
Then there was the intense online debate centering around Sheen's decision to stop taking his HIV meds in order to pursue an "alternative" method of treatment prescribed by a controversial doctor named Samir Chachoua, who's currently operating out of Mexico (because his methods wouldn't be legal in the U.S.).
Now, perhaps inevitably, there's a new scandal in Sheen Land - this one involving the actor's outrage upon realizing that he wasn't 100% insta-cured by Dr. Chachoua's treatment.
Radar Online has obtained a police report filed by Chachoua alleging that Sheen hired assailants to viciously assault the doctor as payback:
"At the moment I was telling these people to give me back my phone, I felt a strong blow on the back of my head and felt that they had injected me with something, so that I fell to the floor and they began to hit me.
"But in that moment I didn't feel the blows, and it was at that moment that both of them began to search me and they took my money."
From there, Chachoua revealed details of the attack that have led him to the conclude that Sheen was somehow involved:
"They told me they were about to inject me with AIDS blood," he stated in the complaint. "But then they continued hitting me."
Chachoua famously claimed to have injected himself with Sheen's blood as a means of proving that he'd cured the actor of HIV.
"But at that time his partner told him, 'Don't kill him, because if you kill him, we won't get paid,'" Chachoua continued.
When a person is attacked by paid assailants shortly after working with an incredibly wealthy client, it doesn't take much a leap in logic to arrive at the conclusion that said famous client might have put out a hit.
And in case any doubt remained, the attackers allegedly left Chachoua with a note reading:
"We are not criminals; we are justice … We reject the charlatans … You almost killed Charlie Sheen If the law does not allow us to take action, justice will inspire us.
"We are not fans of Charlie, but no other celebrity has fought to cure AIDS. This is an insult to Mexico, our intelligence, and medical investigators. No more!"
So they're not rabid Two and a Half Men viewers, just impassioned pro-Sheen crusaders. Riiiiiight.
The nail in the coffin came when Chachoua retrieved his phone and (allegedly) found that the attackers had sent several text messages, one of which read, "TELL CHARLIE NEED ANOTHER 1000."
That's almost too much evidence.
If this were any other celebrity, we'd say Chachoua must be trying to frame him - but Chuckles isn't exactly known for his subtlety.