"I’m ready for my man buffet on the beach. I’m so excited to meet the guys and show off the girls." – Jillian Anderson, with her new enhancements.
Oh yes, Bachelor in Paradise is officially back for Season 2, and it looks like one wild cray-cation is in the works south of the border.
So wild, they broke the premiere into a two-night EVENT! (Sigh!)
On Sunday’s Bachelor in Paradise Season 2 Episode 1, we kicked off with Season 1 stars Marcus Grodd and Lacy Faddoul’s surprise wedding.
It was nice distraction from the constant breakup drama (and rumors of Kaitlyn and Shawn faking their engagement) surrounding the franchise.
It was also a nice prelude … to the insanity to come!
Bachelor in Paradise wasted little time recycling some of the best characters from The Bachelor and Bachelorette … "best" used very loosely.
There was Jillian, begging for more clothed black box censorship. There was Ashley Iaconetti, who brought her sister on the show somehow.
The guys were psyched … the girls not so much.
Venerable host-pimp Chris Harrison says that the sisters are a package deal, no less: If a guy gives one of them a rose, they’re both staying!
The guys outnumber the girls by one, as per the show’s format, which will leave one unlucky lady without one at the end of the night.
Next week, more girls will arrive to flip the script.
All of that is secondary to the teary meltdowns, which are already in full swing. Ashley, first and foremost, is crushing hard on Jared.
So hard, she can’t formulate a sentence apparently!
They sit in silence, awkwardly as you can imagine and then some … and this is before Ash gets the first date card of the season!
"Jared looks like he would rather take a back-alley beating with a plumber’s wrench than go on this date," says JJ, eloquently.
Despite the fact that he’s already expressed interest in Jade Roper, Jared obliges Ashley, and their date actually goes alright.
He probably still wishes he were with Jade, though.
Oh, Jade. Oh, those Jade Roper Playboy photos. No wonder all the guys are into the fourth-place finisher from Chris Soules’ season.
The lucky recipient of a date with Jade (who gets a card) is Tanner from Kaitlyn’s season, and they seemed to hit it off on all fronts.
Tanner makes it clear: "I’m already feeling more of a connection with Jade in one night than I did with Kaitlyn the entire season."
Ashley Salter, meanwhile, is back, and doing her thing.
Her crazy thing. It’s only fitting that she would be loaded onto an ambulance and taken to the hospital with no explanation by ABC.
Yes, that happened … watch Bachelor in Paradise online.
At the last minute, Clare Crawley returns for a second stint in Paradise, only to lern that Tanner, Kirk, and Jared have been "claimed."
"I’m not afraid to ruffle any feathers," she says.
"Let it be known … I know what I want. I know what qualities I want in a man and I won’t settle for anything less than that. So – game on."
Consider the gauntlet thrown down. Now we just need to get her raccoon BFF from last year pack and Season 2 will be even more epic.