Holly Madison: I Pondered Suicide Inside the Playboy Mansion

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In promotional material released in March for her new book, Holly Madison admits that life in the Playboy Mansion was a nightmare.

But now new excerpts from “Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny” have come out in which Madison goes into disturbing depth over just how far she fell as the girlfriend of Hugh Hefner.

Holly Madison in Vegas

Recalling a bath she took in 2002, Madison writes of her mindset:

"If I just put my head under water and take a deep breath in, it would all be over."

Madison rose to fame as part of The Girls Next Door on E!, a reality show that chronicled the lives of her, Bridget Marquardt, and Kendra Wilkinson as they resided inside the most famous mansion in America.

But while life as Hefner's girlfriend may have seemed glamorous, Holly says it was actually quite the opposite.

"Everyone thinks that the infamous metal gate was meant to keep people out. But I grew to feel it was meant to lock me in," she says.

Madison goes on to accuse Hefner of pitting his girlfriends against each other for the sake of “drama” and writes that she suffered from deep “depression.” 

She sometimes wanted to end it all.

"Maybe it was the pot and the alcohol, but drowning myself seemed like the logical way to escape the ridiculous life I was leading."

Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny comes out on June 23.

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Holly Madison Biography

Holly Madison is a Playboy model and the ex-girlfriend of Hugh Hefner. As for Madison, she is best known for getting naked a lot and... More »
Astoria, Oregon
Full Name
Holly Cullen

Holly Madison Quotes

We are no closer to getting married than we were years ago. It's like a car stalled at the side of the road.

Holly Madison [on Hugh Hefner]

I have no pull anymore. Hef and I aren't together.

Holly Madison