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If you’re a fan of disgusting behavior from supposed grown-ups, today has been your day!

This morning, we told you about the Oklahoma teacher who showed up to work drunk and pantsless, and now we give you a jaw-dropping display of dickishness from a redditor known only as thr111.

According to self-aggrandizing (and probably BS) story this dude posted online, he was standing in line at Burger King (of course) when a kid behind him started begging his mom to buy him a pie.

The mom agreed, but the kid just wouldn’t shut up about it, much to our heroic BK enthusiast’s chagrin.

To hear him tell it, thr111 (who, in his version of the story, probably looks like Ryan Gosling, but with a dense, Chuck Norris-esque beard), decided then and there to teach this kid and his stressed-out mom a lesson about faux-food line etiquette:


Like Jesus and Harry Potter before him, thr111 made a courageous sacrifice for the good of mankind and forked over $23 (plus tax) to buy all of the remaining pies in stock… just so that the kid couldn’t have one. 

The rest of thr’s account of the incident reads like a bodice-ripping romance novel, except instead of a comely lass, he’s taking his pleasure in microwaved fruit goo and the anguish of a harried mom:

“I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly star eating as I stare back at her. She starts running toward me but can’t get to me because of other lineups in the food court.”

So you ate 23 pies before this woman could run across a food court?

We don’t know what’s worse: the fact that thr111 fantasizes about (almost literally) taking candy from babies, or the fact that he pretends it actually happened and writes about it online.

You be the judge.