Tiger Woods Commentary You Won't Hear at The Masters This Week But Really Should

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Linked to more than a dozen mistresses and embroiled in one of the biggest celebrity scandals of all time, fully moving on will be difficult for Tiger Woods. For THG, it's similarly difficult not to turn everything he says or does into a double entendre.

Here are some sound bites you could hear over the next four days at The Masters if the announcers aren't careful ... or are looking for a fun way to get fired:

- Tiger pulls out the wood ... this time with Joslyn James no longer present.

- The 14th hole has been easier for Tiger Woods than a Vegas VIP hostess.

- Woods has a difficult lie ... worse than the kind he used to tell Elin.

- Just a few short months ago, he was stroking the behind of Rachel Uchitel. Now here we find the world's #1 golfer, one stroke behind Phil Mickelson.

- The Par Five 13th and 15th holes are within easy reach of Tiger, much like the 13th and 15th hoes he picked up at the Blue Marlin Grill in Islesworth.

- Tiger's staring over a 60-foot downhill putt with three feet of break here ... and you thought those Joslyn James text messages were a tough read!

- We now turn to our sideline reporter, Jaimee Grubbs. What kind of position is Tiger in right now? Does it feel familiar to him, do you think?

- Like Jamie Jungers, this situation looks promising, given Tiger's length.

- Can he come from behind once again?

- Here's Woods about to embark on beautiful 18, which is near and dear to his heart ... 18 represents the legal age of consent in Georgia, Jim.

- Why is Tiger the favorite this week? Who else in the field has proven to be so adept at handling an abundance of holes?

- Oooh, and Tiger drives one into the water hazard. That will result in a case of some blue balls, something with which Tiger isn't too familiar.

- Tiger played that hole very well. Or, as his wife might say: The opposite of how he treated me.

- Like a text message for Joslyn James, Tiger's ball will be dirty after landing in that sand trap.

- Will Tiger Woods don the green jacket yet again this Sunday afternoon? If so, what waitress' hotel room will it end up on the floor of a few hours later?!

- The 100th episode of Bones, starring David Boreanaz, airs on the same night that Tiger returns to pro golf. Huge day for Rachel Uchitel conquests!

- Tough read on this putt. Woods hasn't looked this confused since he took Ambien, got clubbed in the face by his wife, smashed his Cadillac Escalade into a tree in his neighbor's yard and then passed out in the street.


Tiger Woods Biography

Elin Nordegren Tiger Woods 2004 Ryder Cup Gala
Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the history of the world. The talented athlete has also married a blonde bombshell and inspired... More »
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Tiger Woods