Best. Episode. Ever. The Hills was in rare form last night, and our recap, as always, will consist of our staff awarding and deducting points as it sees fit.
Holly Montag is still, like, totally sad about the way things went down with Heidi. Spencer is still a jerk. Meanwhile, Audrina thinks Lauren hooked up with Justin-Bobby - and both J-Bobby and LC are far from pleased about her accusations.
On to the rankings! Chime in with your own!
Audrina tells Chiara that Dino (Dina?) told her about the Lauren-Justin hookup. Minus 2 because Audzo has no friends with normal names, and Minus 3 more for the "detail" of the hookup she refers to not being explained. Peeps wanna know!
Would anyone be surprised if Lo Bosworth started the rumor? That would be classic, diabolical Lo. But she sort of said nothing throughout. Minus 1.
Spencer Pratt calls Holly Montag "Little Miss Traitor." Plus 4, because he probably could think up a much better nickname/insult, but we all know he's lazy.
Heidi has been relegated to a cubicle at work, rather than the posh office she used to have. After her fake firing, of course. Plus 7 for the general ridiculousness of this, and Plus 2 more for Spencer smirking about it when she complains.
We rant about the lag between real time events and The Hills so much it's passe, but this episode aired a few hours after we learned about Heidi and Spencer eloping. They're married! It's hard to take minor fight #378 as seriously now. Minus 2.
It's hard to tell what bugs Lauren Conrad more - being the subject of a false rumor, or that said rumor involved her and a revolting human being. As IF! Plus 4.
Audrina Patridge leaves a rambling, pathetic, borderline-stalker voicemail for Justin. Minus 4 for her being such a loser. Somehow, Justin-Bobby was the more collected, mature individual at the bar later. Didn't see that coming. Plus 7.
Anybody else missing Brody Jenner? Just asking. Minus 2.
The editing of the Audrina-Lauren drama was a bit off. LC is never shown denying the hookup, yet we learn later that both she and J-Bob did so initially. It's like we're being manipulated and this "reality" show isn't 100 percent real. Minus 3.
Minus 3 for the staged Stephanie Pratt scene in which she's clearly being fed lines. But Plus 6 for the similar Casey Patridge scene, because she tells it like it is.
Finally, it comes out: Lauren Conrad said she'd "rather die" than hook up with Justin-Bobby, who's "disgusting." She said this to Audrina's face. Wow. Plus 14 for the utter harshness, honesty, buildup and inevitability of that statement. And Plus 3 more for "You're way worse than Heidi." Talk about adding insult to injury!
TOTAL: +27. Vintage Hills. Bravo, all. Leave a comment with your own scores!