Yes, you read that right. Forget Matthew McConaughey, George Clooney and their annual battle for Sexiest Man Alive honors. This battle is for the complete opposite (dis)honor.
This list, compiled by the amazing Boston Phoenix, is chock full of irritating smirks, bad haircuts, possible murders and some seriously ugly mugs. Yup, the Phoenix list of The 100 Unsexiest Men Alive has it all, and we’ve got the highlights…
100. Tom Cruise. The heat that Tom Cruise emitted early in his career has long evaporated, leaving only a smirking corpse in its wake. Cruise struts around like a smaller, yappy version of Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Terminator, but comes off creepier, given his campaign to impregnate and
wed enslave hot actresses.
92. Osama bin Laden. Here’s a man that could use a makeover. Note to Osama: camouflage jackets have been out since the millennium. Sure, there’s not a surplus of hip outlets — or even dry cleaners — in the caves of Afghanistan. But come on.
87. Joe Simpson. The former Baptist minister relentlessly pimps his daughters (Ashlee and what’s-her-name) to MTV, John Mayer and Pete Wentz, then makes ourskin crawl by ogling his offspring’s endowments. Gnarly.
79. Joe Francis. Skeezy creator of Girls Gone Wild stuck it to Paris Hilton and Tara Reid. If doing that disease-ridden duo wasn’t enough to warrant his place on this list, he’s headed to jail on contempt-of-court charges.
56. Kim Jong-Il. Besides an uncanny resemblance to Tom Cruise, the deranged North Korean demigod is a porn connoisseur, binge drinker and womanizer. Oh, and a mass murderer with nukes.
45. The Duke Lacrosse Team. You go to Duke. You play lacrosse. Yet your social life is so barren that you’ve got to rent a couple of cut-rate strippers? You dudes are guilty… of having no game whatsoever.
35. Kevin Federline. Would’ve placed even higher had Britney Spears not gone off the deep end and made FedEx look relatively stable by comparison.
33. Spencer Pratt. This obnoxious star of the MTV “documentary” series The Hills (left) has greasy hair, a veiny neck and forehead, circa 1994 gold chains and a cast-iron jaw. Yet he still manages to get Playboy playmates’ numbers (while straight up playing Heidi Montag and making Lauren Conrad’s life a living hell). Spencer Pratt, we loathe thee.
30. Howie Mandel. Few things are less sexy than obsessive-compulsive disorder and fear of touching others. That spells bad news for the freaky host of Deal or No Deal. No deal, Howie Mandel. No deal.
28. Dustin Diamond. Deviant, cretinous former child star who scammed his fans by selling shirts to help him avoid foreclosure — there were no such proceedings against him. Then there was the Dustin Diamond sex tape in which Screech gave two skanks the Dirty Sanchez.
27. Mr. Blackwell. His relevance is on life-support, but he nonetheless makes the news every year with his embarrassing list of the best- and worst-dressed celebrity fashion offenders.
25. O.J. Simpson. We’re not even gonna go there.
23. Pete Doherty. “Heroin chic” is predicated on being able to do lots and lots of drugs without looking like a skid-row pin cushion. Somehow Pete Doherty (below) didn’t get the memo. By association, he made coked-up gal-pal Kate Moss unsexy, too, for which men the world over will curse him forever.
20. Jared Fogle. Ubiquity and over-exposure has turned a merely annoying ex-fatty Subway pitchman into a serious pain in the ass.
18. Mel Gibson. Hateful director with massive alcohol problem.
11. Perez Hilton. Exponentially overhyped celebrity gossip blogger whose sense of entitlement far outweighs his contribution to society. Oh yeah, Perez Hilton is also gross.
6. Don Imus. Long before Don Imus (below, left) got the ax for calling the Rutgers womens’ basketball team a bunch of “nappy-headed hos,” this talk-show troll established himself as one of the ugliest faces in an industry that prizes them.
3. Howard K. Stern. We understood the zillion-year-old billionaire: Anna Nicole Smith would sleep with anything for money. But her dalliance with this glassy-eyed salamander of a man (above, right) forced Americans to lower her standards: she’d screw anything with… kidneys? At least she was smart enough not to have a baby with him.
1. Donald Trump. It’s not the greed, the preposterous comb-over, or the public bullying that turns us off any more: it’s the pursed lips and the scrunched stare. Actually, scratch that: it’s still the hair, the greed, and the bullying.