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After being locked in a Chinese prison for 20 months, Jack Bauer had to reflect.

The star of 24 and America’s only hope against a growing terrorist threat could wait a few minutes before he shaved and saved the world. First, he had to process a slew of surprising celebrity facts.

Yes, Jack, the thin, boring character portrayed by Mischa Barton is truly gone from The OC. Here are some other tidbits you missed:

  • Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have broken up. She may have slept with Bam Margera, he’s definitely doing Vanessa Minnillo. Her dad is still nuts.
  • Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. She still can’t sing.
  • Keeley Hazell made a sex tape. So did Dustin Diamond. You probably wish we hadn’t told you about that second one, huh?
  • Beauty queens acted like young, single, gorgeous women that were provided with fame and free vacations. Take your time looking through Katie Rees photos. We certainly did.
  • Nerds everywhere had to buy new pants at the thought of Tricia Helfer nude.

It’s a lot to digest, we know. But some things haven’t changed. Nicole Richie hasn’t had a bite to eat since you were captured.

And you made it back just in time for new seasons of The Hills and American Idol.

So welcome back, Jack. It’s been a long time. Grab yourself a torturing device, rescue the world from devastation and let’s mock Brooke Hogan together. Just like old times.