Meet Lindsay Lohan, Stand Up Comic: Wants a Husband and an Oscar

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For a well-known harlot and awful actress, Lindsay Lohan has lofty goals.

"I want to get married before I'm 30. And have my house. And make the kind of record I want. And I'd like to win an Oscar before then," the Bobby actress says in the November issue of InStyle.

Happy and Blonde

The Hollywood Gossip, meanwhile, would like a Pulitzer Prize and to make sweet, passionate love to Jessica Alba.

Lohan then rattled on with a series of untrue, unrelated thoughts:

"Owning a house will make me very proud. I need a place to call home, to feel it's mine. I love to cook. My grandmother is Italian. I'm pretty practical. I'm a very domestic person."

It's true. We always mistake Lohan for Rachael Ray or Martha Stewart.

The actress kept up the comedy routine from there, saying she is simply too nice and is going out less since she was hospitalized for exhaustion.

"I tried to please my friend and I ended up getting sick," Lindsay said in regard to that incident. "It's about learning to say no more than yes. I'm a people-pleaser. But you can't always make everyone happy."

Again, she's right. Look how unhappy this dude being pleased by Lohan looks.

Of course, the spokeswoman for firecrotches everywhere most recently dated restaurateur Harry Morton, who said last month they're taking a "breather."

But "he's my friend, which is important," Lohan profoundly stated.

In an obvious slap to Morton, however, along with approximately 2,971 other guys, Lindsay was asked to describe her best kiss and responded: "I don't know if I've had a best kiss yet …"

Rumer Willis was also offended by this.

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Lindsay Lohan Biography

Lindsay Lohan Photo
Lindsay Lohan is a troubled actress that hasn't starred in a mainstream movie in years. The star has been arrested for drug possession... More »
New York City
Full Name
Lindsay Dee Lohan

Lindsay Lohan Quotes

Tell him he's f*cking amazing, and I want to meet him.

Lindsay Lohan [on Michael Phelps]

I just want to live a happy, healthy year and continue on the path I've been on and be with the person I care about and my family.

Lindsay Lohan