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When T.H. Gossip first heard that the amazing Kevin Federline had authored a confessional essay for the New York Post to commemorate the release of his debut album, Playing With Fire, we expected it to read something like this:

“Yo, yo, yo! What up, motherf&%kers! This is K-Fed. Holla! My album just dropped today, b!tches, and yo, that sh!t is so f%king tight! Damn. I got more hits than my n!gga Pete Rose and I drop phat beatz like I drop Britney’s panties — when she lets me out of the basement, that is. Yo.”

K. Fed as a Dad

But, it turns out, Mr. Britney Spears has crafted a thoughtful and, at times, almost heartwarming piece, with surprisingly coherent writing… well, kind of. In any event, here’s what K-Fed has to say about K-Fed.

On the media:
“I honestly think the media is a give-and-take. It’s not that I can say, Completely f**k you. I could just only say, Halfway f**k you. But I know why they do it. It’s because they’re making a lot of money. I come from a place where people do a lot of things to make money. So I cannot be mad at them.”

On being a writer:
“I like that real journalism. I like putting other people’s words in a sentence and making people, like, their faces light up about it. Not frown. Light up.”

On dropping out of school:
“I dropped out of high school when I was in the ninth grade. My head wasn’t there. It’s not like I was the worst student, either. Like, I could do the work, but I didn’t want to do the work.”

On how he met wife Britney Spears:
“I was in a club one night and some talent agent saw me and he was like, “I want you to be at this audition tomorrow.” Went to the audition, got the job, wound up on the road. Do you remember LFO? That was my first job. That was her tour — opening up for my wife, in the future, that I had no idea about. She was the headliner. A lot of people say I danced for my wife, and I never have. I mean, I maybe was introduced to her once. You know, I was 21 — she was 16, 17.”

On being America’s Most Hated:
“I didn’t realize how much people love to hate me! It’s crazy.”

On why he’s rarely seen with his kids:
“I like to keep my private life private. You don’t see pictures of me with my kids everywhere because I don’t — that’s not me.”

THG NOTE: When can we see pictures of Jayden James?

On his forthcoming autobiography:
“I want to do a book — the book is definite. It will be a biography of my life until I met my wife, so people will better understand who I am.”

On future charity work:
“I want to go to Africa — I think it’s a place where you can go and really, really help people and make a difference. And it’s also a place I want to see — I’m into the safari animals and all that stuff. I grew up watching the Discovery Channel.”

On who he is:
“But I never have cared what other people think about me. Because I’m Kevin Federline, and that’s it. There’s no changing that.”