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Melanie McFarland of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer brings us a long-awaited updates on the Dustin Diamond sex tape:

First, allow me to clarify why I referred to Saved by the Smell (gross) as “accidental porn,” a phrase some have taken issue with.

In my opinion, if a person makes a dirty video and it stays in his home under lock and key, it’s a dirty video. If he makes one and it leaks out into the public, it’s accidental, and it’s porn.

However, after reading these highlights, excerpted from a press release courtesy of the Headline News program Showbiz Tonight, I’m not sure what the public can call the Screech sex tape… other than disgusting.

Here’s what the release said:

— The sex tape got out because Diamond and some buddies have a “monthly gathering” wherein they exchange such tapes (emphasis mine) which earn points based on “what [we’re] able to accomplish” on the tapes: “We do it almost like poker. [The tape] could have been left out in anybody’s home, machine, computer.”

[THG NOTE: What the f*&k is wrong with these people? And is former SBTB co-star Mario Lopez, a.k.a. A.C. Slater, one of the aforementioned buddies?]

— “The people that are involved in this group [of friends who exchange tapes] are all ‘profile people.'” Diamond doesn’t believe any of those people leaked the tape, but perhaps a significant other of one of them did.

— Diamond admits the tape has “caused turmoil on the home front.”

[THG NOTE: That’s a shocking revelation right there]

— “We’ve been doing it for a while, and we didn’t think it was a problem. Apparently, it is a problem.”

— Diamond’s words for that sick bastard David Hans Schmidt, the man peddling the tape (also known as the “Sultan of Sleaze”): “You’re a scumbag.”

— Diamond also says he will fight this “tooth and nail” to fight the distribution of the tape, and that while Schmidt may have won “the little battles, he won’t win the war — nice try, though!”

[THG NOTE: We’re pulling for Screech. Bad. Believe it. Because if the tape gets out, we are going to be forced to watch it in order to tell you about it. Because we’re T.H. Gossip. And there are things we would rather look at than Dustin Diamond giving some skank the Dirty Sanchez — one such thing would be our awesome gallery of Kristin Cavallari pictures]

— Diamond denies the rumor that he secretly knew about the tape’s release and was hoping it would boost his career. He says the tape was “private” and not meant for anybody else. It was not released with his approval and he does not condone its being out there.

— Will Diamond eventually cash in on this tape, if offered a distribution deal? Will he never have to worry about foreclosure again? “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”