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And we thought it was difficult enough to pick a side in the ongoing feud between Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

Now, however, a true battle of the brainless is brewing. The same week that Paris releases her debut CD, Kevin Federline performs live for the first time on television. Is it any coincidence that searches for synonyms of “suck” and “abominable” were at an all-time high over the last couple days?

So, who stands the worst chance at making in the music industry? Which wanna-be singer will make Hansen look like lyrical geniuses? Mmmm, bop, it’s hard to say. Let’s go to the reviews!

Carter Reum, Wife
Photo via Getty Images

On Federline: “I just think we ignore him. He’s a joke, basically… I just don’t think he gets it. He doesn’t get that he’s Britney’s man and it’s hard to take him seriously,” said Elliot Wilson, editor in chief of XXL magazine.

On Paris: “Hilton’s colorless, wafer-thin singing reminds us there are still limits to what technology can do for the human voice,” said USA Today.

On Federline: “All you can do, is really just keep on plugging,” said Jermaine Hall, executive editor of King magazine. “He’s definitely going to have a teenage female fan base. So, you know, make songs that cater to them. Keep it clubby, keep it hoppy, keep it happy.”

On Paris: “Right from her opening, Alvin and the Chipmunks-esque mewls of ”Yeah, that’s hot” to the painful spoken-word interlude on ”Jealousy” (sample lyric: Everything I did, I did because I cared), it’s clear that just as the emperor had no clothes, the heiress has no voice, and there’s not any amount of vocal layering or expensive production that can disguise it,” Entertainment Weekly online said.

Wow. Can we have two losers? Obviously. (Although that number could climb to three with the inevitable album from Kristin Cavallari.)

Either way, the real winners here are the folks at thesaurus.com. Music critics will be in need of words for “dreadful” for as long as these two jokes continue to churn out their supposed music.