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You know, if Paris Hilton could turn back time, she probably wouldn’t have had sex with Cher’s son.

Of course, the blonde that puts the “HO” in hotel heiress claims she didn’t actually get it on with Elijah Blue Allman, but we’ll believe that when Ellen Pompeo eats something.

Allman, however, isn’t merely claiming he shagged Hilton (after all, would that make him at all unique?); he went on The Howard Stern Show and said he feared that Paris gave him an STD.

Carter Reum, Wife
Photo via Getty Images

The lead singer and guitarist for the band Deadsy claimed he became so worried after the horizonal jaunt between the sheets that he went downstairs and scrubbed his private parts with a household cleaner, probably Tilex.

Probably. That’s typically what Harry Morton uses, post-coital, every time he hangs out with Lindsay Lohan.

Hilton is “not happy” about Allman’s comments, says a source, even though he described Hilton as a “sweet girl.” Just one that may or may not have poisoned his genitals.

Allman also said he had sex years ago with Hilton’s reality show co-star and former best friend, Nicole Richie. We have doubts about that statement, however. How would he even see this waif-like celebrity to know for sure it was her?!?