The Sports Gal Gossip

It wouldn't be The Bachelor without thoughts from ESPN's Sports Gal.

Well, sure it would, but it wouldn't be quite as funny.

Here's what she had to say about Monday's premiere. Sounds like The Sports Gal liked it, and is a pretty big fan of Matt Grant... who wouldn't be?

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The Bachelor started Monday night, and it was, as usual, a competitive first show because girls were doing everything to impress the bachelor -  including singing, arm wrestling and playing the clarinet.

It was like a beauty contest for crazy people.

They always have one black contestant who makes it two rounds before she gets voted off. [Bill Simmons, aka The Sports Guy] always compares her to Gonzaga because she's an underdog who never makes the Final Four.

Anyhoo, this year's bachelor is A HOT GUY FROM BRITAIN [take a bow, Matt Grant] and seems to really like this year's black contestant, so maybe she will make the Final Four before Gonzaga does!

The other highlight from last night other than THE BACHELOR BEING REALLY HOT was a woman with fake lips who got tanked, fondled the bachelor's knee and gave him her panties before passing out face-first on a bed.

I love this show.

Ladies, did I mention that THE BACHELOR IS SMOKING HOT????

Curious how The Sports Gal - wife of ESPN columnist Bill Simmons - feels about Katie Holmes? She's happy to tell you:

Katie Holmes is now a robot. I always liked her acting and enjoyed her work on Dawson's Creek, although that show is never on anymore because the Scientologists destroyed the tapes so we'd forget old Katie and embrace Jackie O. Model 3000 XT.

Three years ago, Bill called me from a Super Bowl party because he'd been waiting to use a locked Port-O-Potty and Katie was the one who came out of it. Bill was excited because it made her seem more "attainable" - I think this pissed me off and we ended up getting into a fight. (Why do guys say things like that?) Although I did admire her for using a port-o-potty.

Now, she'd never dare walk into a Port-O-Potty -- not because she's a snob, but because robots don't pee or poop.

She probably goes to a Scientology Jiffy Lube and gets her oil changed once a year and she's good to go.

Anyhoo, the [recent Good Morning America] interview bothered me because Katie once had a playful personality that I liked. Now she answers questions in a careful monotone and peppers her sentences with words like "lovely" and "wonderful" and "beautiful."

She's about 6 months away from developing a British accent like Madonna did. What really bothered me was when she talked about how "creative" [Suri Cruise] is. She's not even two! What does she create, dirty diapers? Nothing inspires creativity like having a mom who talks like a robot.

"That's a beautiful Playdoh lump you made, Suri. It's wonderful. It's so lovely."

We haven't heard from The Sports Gal in awhile.

But the wife of ESPN columnist Bill Simmons couldn't possibly keep quiet in the wake of Jamie Lynn Spears getting knocked up. Here's her professional take on it:

My favorite part of this fiasco is that Britney is going to be an aunt and possibly even the godmother. Somehow this is scarier than her being a mom.

At least moms can lose custody -- if you're an aunt, you're always an aunt and this means Brit will always be around during the holidays. "Uh-oh, hide the cigarettes, Aunt Britney just pulled into the driveway!"

Although she is no longer be blogging about The Bachelor, The Sports Gal - a.k.a. the wife of ESPN's Bill Simmons (The Sports Guy) - still occasionally drops some knowledge on the masses regarding pop cultural topics of the day.

In the crosshairs this week: Grey's Anatomy, which she says might drop clear out of her must-TiVo list any day now. Here's what the hilarious Sports Gal says...

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I used to look forward to Thursday nights; now I look forward to Friday Night Lights, Gossip Girl, Tell Me You Love Me and Californication.

Grey's Anatomy jumped the shark when T.R. Knight's dork character cheated on his overweight wife with blonde, beautiful, leggy Izzie - a relationship about as realistic as Spencer Pratt from The Hills getting a job.

I'm also a tad fed up with the whole McDreamy / McSteamy thing. The usage of "Mc" for cute guys has been carried way too far. I read something this week that Seth Green was going to be on a future episode as a "sick guy" and the writer referred to him as "McSicky."

McSicky? Come on. Let's stop before we have a McFatty and a McHairlip.

The big problem is that the show became too successful and we know too much about the cast now. I used to think McDreamy was hot until I found out he just had twins and his previous marriage was to a woman twice his age.

TMI! Can I just see Patrick Dempsey pictures with his shirt off please?

I used to really like McSteamy, too, until I kept seeing him in Us Weekly with Dylan McKay's dead wife (Rebecca Gayheart) - they creep me out, though not as much as Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott.

Also, the Isaiah Washington saga overshadowed last season when Katherine Heigl (who plays Izzie) defended T.R., who seemed so wounded by everything (I felt so bad for him). Now, we're supposed to be watching T.R. and Izzy have an affair?

I know it's acting, but come on! Every time they have "sexual tension," I'm watching them and thinking about what a good friend Katherine Heigl was and how I wish I had my own dorky gay friend that I could defend against mean jerks like Isaiah Washington. Now I'm just McBored.

With Lindsay Lohan nude photos rumored to be floating around the Internet - and adult film actress Paulina James prepared to portray the troubled star in an upcoming movie - the next logical career step for this Firecrotch Queen seems obvious:

Just suck it up and get into the porn business.

With a pair of DUI arrests on her record, it's not like Lindsay has any respectable future ahead of her anyway, right?

Wrong, says The Sports Gal. Here's what the wife of ESPN columnist Bill Simmons has to say about the next choice of movies for Lohan:

"Lindsay doesn't need porn. She needs to copy what [Angelina Jolie] did and play a role close to herself, that's how she can turn her career around. Nobody wants to see her in a romantic comedy because she's too messed up and nobody wants to see her in a horror movie because we'd just root for her to get killed.

When Angelina was struggling, she did Girl, Interrupted and played a mental patient with drug problems who cut herself and acted crazy.

It wasn't exactly a stretch.

Lindsay needs to do that, something close to home, like a promiscuous alcoholic with low self-esteem and a drug problem who likes to drive drunk, chain-smoke and pretend that her breasts aren't fake - then, her life is turned upside down when she gets sent to jail for her 14th DUI and she ends up feuding with a group of skinhead prisoners who resent her because of her beautiful red hair, which they end up shaving before she joins a rival Kabbalah group and finds the strength to kill the Skinheads to survive.

I would go see this movie, and [Bill Simmons] would probably go too because there would definitely be a shower scene."

The Hollywood Gossip is on its game.

Unlike a certain lazy, yet funny Sports Gal.

When Andy Baldwin chose Tessa Horst on The Bachelor a week ago Monday, we waited around for the Sports Gal's take on it. And waited, and waited. At long last, we got fed up and had to post our own recap.

Three days later, her Bachelor blog apparently goes live, when it was old news and noticed by no one (with the possible exception of Bill Simmons).

Anyway, for you hard core fans, we've got her post up.

Finally.

Below, we present the Sports Gal's long-awaited take on the passionate love affair shared by Andy and Tessa, the demise of poor Bevin Powers and the rest of the drama of The Bachelor season finale.

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I wasn't there when Bill watched the Celtics lose the lottery, but he couldn't have been more crushed than Bevin Powers after she got dumped on the final episode of The Bachelor.

I'd describe what happened, but I was too busy covering my face with my hands. It was a big blow to the confidence of tattooed divorcées everywhere.

They may never trust the intentions of an uptight, dorky Naval doctor again.

Earlier in the show, Bevin exchanged I love yous with Andy Baldwin and told the camera, "There's no chance in hell that he'll leave me without a rose in the last ceremony."

By the end, they were whisking her sobbing ass away in a limo as she whined, "This s--t happens to me all the time. This is the story of my life."

Continue reading the Sports Gal's take on The Bachelor ...

The drama on the 10th season of The Bachelor is peaking as Andy Baldwin cut the field down yet again, and it's time for The Hollywood Gossip's weekly recap of the always-enthralling Monday ride.

As usual, ESPN's Sports Gal will do the honors.

The wife of ESPN's beloved sports scribe, a.k.a. Bill Simmons, offers her thoughts below on last night's events and the three remaining would-be Mrs. Baldwins, and how his choice for the final twosome came as a shock. Not!

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I really enjoyed the "The Bachelor: Hawaii."

The show started with Andy Baldwin wearing his white Navy uniform, walking around Pearl Harbor and telling us, passionately but seriously, "It's not about yachts, it's not about sports cars, it's about being a U.S. Naval officer."

The camera showed him from various angles as Baldwin looked very serious and pretended the cameras weren't there. It looked like he was filming a photo shoot for a new Andy Baldwin cologne line called "Pearl Harbor."

The girls arrived one at a time (first Bevin Powers, then Danielle Imwalle, then Tessa Horst) and Andy didn't greet them with his usual dorky energy because he was busy feeling serious.

Follow this link to continue the Sports Gal's recap of The Bachelor …

The drama on the 10th season of The Bachelor continues to intensify and it's time for The Hollywood Gossip's weekly recap of the always-enthralling Monday night fiasco that is Andy Baldwin's search for everlasting love.

As usual, ESPN's Sports Gal will do the honors. The wife of ESPN's beloved Sports Guy, a.k.a. Bill Simmons, offers her thoughts below on last night's events and the final four aspiring brides... and how she likes none of the above.

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ABC needs to give The Bachelor a mulligan during the course of the season. It's only fair. Poor Andy Baldwin spent the sixth episode visiting the Final Four's hometowns and not one of the girls seemed like a promising match.

It's amazing that Andy narrowed the field from 25 to four without finding a prospective wife, but this whole season has been amazing.

Andy Baldwin confirmed this by saying the word "amazing" 10 different times during this week's show. That was pretty amazing.

Here's what happened:

Before introducing Andy to her parents in Seattle, Bevin Powers, a.k.a. the Ankle Faker, finally admitted to Andy Baldwin that she's ... gulp ... divorced.

Andy looked just as confused and overwhelmed as he did a few weeks back when he was on Jimmy Kimmel Live, only if he had also pooped in his pants.

Thank God that doctors follow a specific set of rules for every medical emergency. After all, if Andy always looked this confused in a pinch, there would be a lot of dead Navy divers.

Follow this link to continue reading the Sports Gal's recap of The Bachelor ...

The 10th season of The Bachelor rages on, and it's time for The Hollywood Gossip's recap of last night's episode (#5). As usual, The Sports Gal will do the honors.

The wife of ESPN.com's renowned Sports Guy offers her thoughts below on the many aspiring Mrs. Andy Baldwins, so let's get right down to business.

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[Bill Simmons] made a top-10 list of revelations you should never bring up if you're trying to win over The Bachelor. I thought it was funny so I'm passing it along. He's enjoying this show way too much. He calls it the "I have to tell you something ... " list...

1. "I have herpes."
2. "I have a kid."
3. "I can't have kids."
4. "I used to date (fill in any NBA player over 6-foot-3)."
5. "Not only am I in a Girls Gone Wild video, I'm on the cover."
6. "I can't legally come within 100 yards of my ex-boyfriend."
7. "I lost my virginity to Joe Buck."
8. "I don't really enjoy sex that much. I just don't get it."
9. "When we meet my mom, just be prepared, she's a very heavy woman."
10. "I'm divorced."

This list was created immediately after we found out that Bevin the Ankle Faker is divorced. She claims that she wanted to tell Andy Baldwin sooner, only she "never had a chance."

Suuuuuurrrrrrrre.

Once Bevin revealed this news to the camera, I quickly revised my final two. She's done and she knows it - I think she was in denial.

She's had a look on her face like she slept with her best friend's fiancée and has to tell her the night before her wedding. She's freaking out.

During one scene, she told Amber Alchalabi that it bothers her that Andy is falling for multiple girls, especially ones who are 23 and haven't had enough "life experiences" to be ready for marriage.

Follow this link to continue reading the Sports Gal's recap of The Bachelor ...

It is time, yet again, for The Hollywood Gossip's recap of last night's episode (#4) of The Bachelor on ABC.

As usual, the Sports Gal will do the honors. The wife of ESPN.com's The Sports Guy (a.k.a. Bill Simmons) does a tremendous job of blogging the adventures of Andy Baldwin, so why mess with a good thing.

The drama only intensified last night as Andy Baldwin bid farewell to not one, not two, but three aspiring trophy wives who don't seem to mind that this Navy diver and doctor has no sense of humor whatsoever.

Guess with abs like these, who needs jokes? Anyway. Take it away, Sports Gal!

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On Jimmy Kimmel last week, Andy Baldwin came off like someone who had two glasses of champagne at an office party, forgot to eat anything, then ran into his boss and tried to be outgoing and crack jokes, only he came off like a rambling, brain-damaged goofball.

Jimmy Kimmel tried to rescue The Bachelor, but finally just started teasing him at the end. He apparently never had a chance to test his comedy chops growing up in Amish country.

Follow this link to continue reading the Sports Gal's recap of The Bachelor ...