Skip to Content

Curious how The Sports Gal – wife of ESPN columnist Bill Simmons – feels about Katie Holmes? She’s happy to tell you:

Katie Holmes is now a robot. I always liked her acting and enjoyed her work on Dawson’s Creek, although that show is never on anymore because the Scientologists destroyed the tapes so we’d forget old Katie and embrace Jackie O. Model 3000 XT.

Three years ago, Bill called me from a Super Bowl party because he’d been waiting to use a locked Port-O-Potty and Katie was the one who came out of it. Bill was excited because it made her seem more “attainable” – I think this pissed me off and we ended up getting into a fight. (Why do guys say things like that?) Although I did admire her for using a port-o-potty.

The Hollywood Gossip Logo

Now, she’d never dare walk into a Port-O-Potty — not because she’s a snob, but because robots don’t pee or poop.

She probably goes to a Scientology Jiffy Lube and gets her oil changed once a year and she’s good to go.

Anyhoo, the [recent Good Morning America] interview bothered me because Katie once had a playful personality that I liked. Now she answers questions in a careful monotone and peppers her sentences with words like “lovely” and “wonderful” and “beautiful.”

She’s about 6 months away from developing a British accent like Madonna did. What really bothered me was when she talked about how “creative” [Suri Cruise] is. She’s not even two! What does she create, dirty diapers? Nothing inspires creativity like having a mom who talks like a robot.

“That’s a beautiful Playdoh lump you made, Suri. It’s wonderful. It’s so lovely.”