The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Down and Dirty in Orange County

The Real Housewives of Orange County took last week off, but are back this week and ready to get dirty. Let’s find out how Vicki and Co. are doing in THG's +/- recap!

Heather and Terry head to David August so Terry can get a wardrobe makeover. According to her, Terry “is not a suit guy” and “has the style of a doctor” meaning scrubs and clogs. I’d like to point out that his status as a doctor is what’s allowing this little indulgence.

For three suits and a couple of sports coats? $40,000 to $50,000. Add on the “accessories” and we’re adding another $10,000 to $15,000.

They’re spending more on a partial wardrobe than teachers make in a year. Minus 30.

Tamra and Eddie hit the gym. Tamra says she was insecure with her body in her previous marriage but working out has definitely given her something to work toward during her divorce. Tamra thinks she wants to open a fitness studio. Perhaps Heather’s entrepreneurial ways are rubbing off on Tamra.

A word of advice, Tamra: If you go into this with anyone else, get a contract! Vicki would be proud.

Talk of Tamra’s breast reduction surfaces when Eddie says “If you go through with this…” Tamra says she’s already scheduled her surgery date and she’ll be out of commission for at least five days. Eddie’s totally supportive, probably because she’s not having anything done to her derriere. Something tells me Eddie’s all about the A. Plus 5 for the happy couple.

Vicki’s daughter Briana is recovering from her recent thyroidectomy. Briana calls to tell Vicki that the pathology is back and it’s not cancer! Plus 15.

Vicki immediately calls Tamra to tell her the good news.

Meanwhile, back at Chateau Heather, Tamra stops in for a workout. Tamra can’t seem to understand why Heather wants a different house. Neither can I, for that matter.

Tamra and Eddie are doing a charity mud run and Tamra invites Heather and Terry to join them. Heather agrees. Then Tamra says that Gretchen and Slade will also be attending and that Tamra invited Slade because he and Gretchen are a package deal. Plus 5 for playing nice, Tamra.

Tamra thinks that maybe she and Slade got off on the wrong foot, which causes Heather to wonder aloud if that’s what happened with she and Alexis.

Tamra’s immediate response is “No, Alexis is an idiot.” And here I thought we were playing nice, Tamra. Minus 5.

Alexis won’t be at the mud run, of course, because she’s still recovering from her “sinus surgery.”

Gretchen finally stops in to see Alexis post-surgery. Alexis is in a full flu mask like she’s come down with the plague. And it’s day 5 after her surgery. How long does she have to be bedridden? Minus 5 for milking this.

Alexis decides to show Gretchen the pictures of the gross the doctor removed from her sinuses. Which means WE had to see the pictures again. Minus 5 because I NEVER WANT TO SEE THOSE PICTURES AGAIN.

Alexis’ plan for post-recuperation is to invite Tamra out to lunch to ask Tamra why she’s so mean to her all the time which only puts Gretchen more in the middle than she already is.

Vicki’s getting clothes together for a charity called “Working Wardrobes” and Tamra stops by. Don’s clothes are still in Don’s closet. Vicki says her house is too quiet and she doesn’t like it. She likes to have a man in her life. No, really? We had no idea, Vicki.

Brooks sends Vicki three to four cards A DAY. That’s dedication, y’all. Or a deep desire to get into her…uh…pocketbook. Plus 5 for Brooks.

It’s the morning of the mud run and Slade tells Gretchen that in order to keep the mud from sucking his shoes off, he’s put holes into the bottom of his shoes. But not Gretchen’s. Minus 5, Slade.

Heather and Terry have named themselves “Fancy Pants” and “Dr. 92660.” Gretchen and Slade are “Naked Waitress” and “Comic” respectively. Yes, Slade is still milking this comedian thing for all it’s worth. Tamra, Eddie, and Tamra’s son Ryan are “Cougar,“ “Boy Toy,” and “Big Boy.”

Heather says she hopes this is “mud run light!” Miss Priss is scared of getting dirty. But I’m giving her credit for going through with this. Plus 10.

Gretchen thinks she’s sprained her ankle and has her Pussycat Dolls audition coming up. She and Slade are out of the run but plan to meet up with everyone later at the bar. I guess Slade stopping the mud run makes up for his not drilling holes in Gretchen’s shoes. Plus 5.

Alexis is having her nose cast removed and with the way she’s carrying on, I’m beginning to wonder how she ever made it through pregnancy and childbirth, even with heavy doses of drugs. Minus 5 for the carrying on. Plus 5, however, for the pretty new nose.

Back at the mud run, we’ve got another injury. Eddie thinks he’s broken his finger. Thankfully, Terry’s a doctor. He just snaps that finger right back into place and then they’re all off to the finish line. Plus 5.

Heather is totally rocking the mud run. She’s getting down and dirty with the best of them and says that this is easy compared to her daily life because this mud doesn’t stink the way her children’s diapers do. I’d definitely prefer a mud run to dirty diaper duty. Plus 5 for being a trooper, Heather.

Then Tamra calls herself “a boy with a vagina.” That’s how much she’s loving the mud run. In case we didn’t already know she’s loving this.

After everyone’s all cleaned up and bandaged, the mud running maniacs meet up for some grub. Eddie and Slade bond over bike riding and Tamra’s first question for Slade is “have you ever been hit”? Slade says “yes, I have.” And then Tamra starts showing off Eddie’s bike-riding battle scars. It’s the weirdest one-upping I’ve seen.

In the one-on-one, it’s clear that Tamra’s never going to accept Slade, and she’s especially not going to accept Slade for Gretchen, even if Slade makes Gretchen happy.

Brooks is in town, so he and Vicki head out for dinner at a seafood place that doesn’t serve catfish. Or any other bottom feeders. Which means Brooks should maybe dine elsewhere.

Vicki calls Brooks an “entrepreneur” which is almost as vague a term as “consultant,” which she also calls him. He can work from anywhere. So why then does he continue to work from Mississippi and only see Vicki twice a month?

Brooks says that he may only be here physically part of the time, but mentally he’s in California all the time. He tells Vicki he loves her and she starts crying and talking about how her love tank was empty two or three years ago. And then she says she misses her Daddy. Then Brooks asks her to kiss him across the table and she keeps saying, repeatedly, that she doesn’t like PDA.

I am so confused right now. Minus 10. Brooks and Vicki creep me out.

It’s the next day and Tamra’s on the way to sign her divorce papers. She calls Eddie on the way to the lawyer’s office and Eddie says they’ll have to go out and celebrate her freedom.

Tamra sits down in the conference room alone and starts to cry. She feels like she’s let her kids down and split her family up. I feel kind of bad for her right now.

Tamra’s decided to waive spousal support. The only thing she wants from Simon is her kids. Plus 5 for deciding to go your own way, Tamra. You can do this.

EPISODE TOTAL: EVEN! SEASON TOTAL: -40!

Next week we’ll see Alexis on camera again and Gretchen will audition for the Pussycat Dolls. Tarma’s going under the knife and Vicki’s getting into another heated argument.