Last week on The Real Housewives of Orange County, Gretchen and Vicki nearly came to blows over Slade’s comedy sketch. Then Alexis checked in to her plastic surgeon’s office for “sinus surgery.” You know how that goes.
Briana, Vicki’s daughter, is having a medical crisis, too. A serious one. Except Vicki’s kind of stealing her daughter’s thunder. Let’s find out what the girls of Orange County are up to this week with our THG +/- recap!
First up, Tamra visits her plastic surgeon. She wants to have her implants removed. Totally. As in, no implants at all. Simon, her ex, influenced her against this surgery previously, but now that she’s her own woman, she’s making her own decisions.
And the boobs have got to go.
“Third set of boobs. Third man. Third time’s a charm.” Nice, Tamra. Plus 5 for using your brain instead of your boobs to get ahead from now on.
Meanwhile, Alexis’ “sinus” surgery is about to begin. Her doctor has taken what may be the least flattering pictures of Alexis in existence and plastered them on the wall. And the camera man was kind enough to show them to us.
I had to pause the TV to look at just how unflattering these pictures are, y’all.
And some giant, slimy something that made me want to vomit. Minus 20 for grossing me out, Alexis’ doctor!
Then, as if those two things weren’t enough, we’re treated to THE SOUND OF ALEXIS’ NOSE BEING BROKEN. And her doctor saying “Oh, Alexis is going to be sore!” OMG. Minus 5 more for good measure.
Jim comes to pick Alexis up. How nice of him. Plus 5.
Vicki’s at the hospital. Crying, of course. Briana’s surgery is over, but the results don’t seem to be good. At least according to Vicki. If only Briana’s doctor could’ve shared with us the same way Alexis’ did.
Heather and co. are making lunch. Or dinner. And she’s serving her kids sparkling cider.
She’s quick to throw in that “she’s an actress” but she’s on a “radical sabbatical” because of the demands of her children. Terry brought home dinner since Heather doesn’t cook. Heather’s a rock star at putting the food on plates, though. Way to go, domesticated Heather! Plus 5.
Heather and her friends are opening a restaurant and she says she’s sure it’s “crazy hard” but it’ll be “a fun pet project.” Terry doesn’t bat an eye at the fact that this might cost $650,000 to A MILLION. And if it goes under in two years? Meh. No big deal. Minus 5.
Remember that gig Slade set up for Gretchen? The two of them have traveled to Vegas to see the Pussycat Dolls show so that Gretchen can see the show and see if this is something she can do and audition. Her voice is messed up from all that yelling at Vicki, though, so she’s scared she won’t do well.
Slade pays her a great compliment and says that while she may not have a lot of stage experience, she always does a fantastic job every time she performs. When she’s afraid her body doesn’t compare to the other girls’ bodies, Slade’s quick to tell her she totally has that body. He might be watching with, well, NOT his eyes, but he’s doing a great job of being supportive. Plus 5.
We’re back at the hospital with Vicki now. Vicki calls Tamra to update her on Briana’s surgery and says it was a “really, really, really, really, really rough day.” Tamra, bless her, asks questions about BRIANA to try and drive the conversation that direction.
To hear Vicki talk, her daughter has one foot in the grave already, and I don’t mean to diminish what Briana’s facing, but Vicki, FOR THE LOVE. How about a little positivity, here? Is that too much to ask? Minus 10 for all the negative.
Back at Heather’s house, Heather’s calling Tamra to invite Tamra and Vicki to Los Angeles for the day. Via helicopter. Heather’s such a show-off! Minus 5, fancypants.
Briana’s been discharged from the hospital and Vicki takes her home. Briana is clearly trying to get her mother to leave. Clearly. Vicki blames Briana’s grumpiness on the fact that she’s on so many medications. Briana calls her “intense” in a one-on-one.
Intense is an understatement.
Jim is caring for Alexis. With the help of a home nurse. Jim’s treatment is to put bags of frozen peas on Alexis’ nose and spoon feed her soup. While the nurse watches to make sure he doesn’t screw it up. Alexis calls Jim her “king” and says he “treats her like a queen.” Except when he doesn’t.
Tamra, Heather, and Vicki climb into the helicopter. They’ll be to LA in 30 minutes when it would usually take two hours by car. Vicki and Tamra both covet the helicopter. And probably Heather’s money. And friends. And life.
Heather introduces Tamra and Vicki to her friends Jackie and Jaye. The girls are completely obnoxious and Tamra’s bullshit meter is on red.
Vicki’s Business-savvy Red Flags are flying because Heather and her friends are going into their restaurant venture with no written agreements. Heather and her friends say “Oh, but we’re friends! Our husbands are friends! We’ve known each other for so long! It’ll be fine!!”
Vicki, in a one-on-one, says “RUN!” Plus 10, Vicki. I didn’t think it’d be possible, but you just said something that made sense.
Tamra, Vicki, Heather, and Heather’s friends sit down to a meeting with a successful restaurateur in LA. He tells them to have a conversation about expectations and put that in writing. Point to Vicki!
Vicki says these girls just want a clubhouse to spend their husbands’ money. Holy crap, Vicki. You did it again. Plus 5.
Alexis goes back to the doctor’s office dressed like Groucho Marx. She’s bummed that Gretchen didn’t come to visit her on the day of her surgery. Of course, this is Tamra’s fault.
The doctor shows Alexis AND US pictures of what he removed from her nose. I could’ve gone my entire life without ever seeing that again. Ever. Ew.
Alexis is a baby with pain. A total baby. The doctor tries to touch her face and she freaks out on him. Minus 5, Alexis. Pain is beauty. Or something like that.
Back in LA, Heather says she and her friends are looking for a place to hang out together. And again, Vicki’s right. Plus 5.
Tamra says it seems like Heather and her friends just get along without any stabbing each other in the back and isn’t it awesome?
Vicki’s the voice of reason at the table saying that most restaurants don’t succeed and this will be a lot of hard work. Heather says in a one-on-one that Vicki’s just negative and she wants to shut it down.
Brooks calls and Vicki runs out to tell him that they need to buy a helicopter so they can just travel back and forth between Mississippi and California. Then she tells him she needs her love tank filled up and I almost lose my dinner. Minus 5.
Gretchen and Slade are back at home and Slade’s cooking dinner. Gretchen leans back on the counter and directly into a candle and sets her hair on fire. And then they laugh about it. So do I. Plus 10.
Vicki, Tamra, and Heather travel back to the OC and Vicki and Tamra share a limo ride home. And a conversation about Slade and Gretchen. Vicki says she’s looking at life really differently with Briana’s potential cancer battle on the horizon. The fight with Gretchen just isn’t important to her anymore.
Tamra gets an email from her attorney and realizes that she’s signing her divorce papers on her mother’s birthday. Then she starts crying thinking about her marriage, her kids, her wedding day, and how now, soon, it’ll all be over. She feels like a failure because of the end of her marriage. Minus 5 for such a depressing ending.
EPISODE TOTAL: -10! SEASON TOTAL: -40!
Next week, Tamra signs her divorce papers, Vicki learns Briana’s diagnosis, and Gretchen and Heather get dirty.