Jersey Shore Recap: A House Divided, Absurd

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Abraham Lincoln famously said that "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Yet a Jersey Shore house divided against itself only stands to be more entertaining.

In this week's installment, friction between Ronnie and Sammi forces peeps to choose sides, while a stalker returns, Deena wears all denim and so much more.

As always, THG breaks down some of the top Jersey Shore quotes and scenes from the episode in our official, patented +/- recap below. Let's get it ON!

Vinny and Snooki Photo

Comment rendered unnecessary.

Vinny and Snooki grow closer on a lunch date. Cute, but Minus 10 for the profound words emblazoned on her pants, advice guidos often take literally, deeply.

Later, Vinny decides to get his ears pierced at the Shore Store. First it was the spray tan, now this. At least he's going all out in pursuit of Tool-dom. Plus 7.

Pauly D's hookup is thwarted when Erin’s brother shows up. This seems to happen a lot on Jersey Shore. Minus 5, 'cause celebrities are easy to track down.

Deena: "Let’s be real. You didn’t come here for pastries and like, coffee, you came here to do sex with Pauly and Vinny. You embarrassed yourself." Plus 9.

Snooki is totally Vin's backup hookup. Minus 6 for him making this so obvious, but let's be real. It's Snooki. How is she going to be somebody's Option A?

At Aztec, crazy stalker Danielle shows up once again. “You want me to punch you?” she asks Pauly D. “Do whatever you gotta do," he responds. Plus 11.

Pauly D on a potential cougar hookup: "This woman is not a grenade. This woman is an atomic bomb about to blow." Eh, they've done worse, so Minus 3.

Situation: "It just so happens Deena defies the laws of intelligence. I never thought someone would make Snooki look like a rocket scientist." Plus 4.

JWoww Reacts

When Ronnie's mom drunk-dials you ... this is the reaction.

JWoww intercepts a duck phone call from Ronnie's intoxicated mom. Plus 6. That's not awkward at all. It also indirectly explains a lot about you-know-who.

Connie, Ron's mom, also talks to Deena, hilariously, before Ron gets on the duck and tells her to knock if off because SHE'S embarrassing herself. Minus 5.

Sitch: "Wow. Ronnie's mom's gangsta." Plus 4.

The Situation takes a nap in the dressing room during his shift at the Shore Store. Minus 3, because they should at least pretend they care about working.

Deena's cleavage-baring all-denim outfit is an all-timer, even for this show. It's like she's an early '90s prostitute that could only shop at thrift stores. Plus 4.

Apparently if a girl BREAKS UP WITH A GUY, she’s still not allowed to talk or text any other guys. Even if said guy cheated on her and is abusive. Minus 10.

Sam and Ron Argue

These two really need to just neutral it out.

JWoww: “Can you guys like, maybe neutral it? Because, like, you hit up a girl in Miami?” They may have to negative it at this point, but good point. Minus 5.

Pauly: "They already neutraled that … I say they start with a zero-zero, because he admitted his wrongs to that. This girl is still never admitting." Plus 6.

Sammi now insists that she never told Arvin she wanted to hang out with him, even though this contradicts what she told Ronnie earlier. SHADY. Minus 7.

Pauly is suspicious that Sammi has never mentioned Arvin, even though she now says they are good friends. Moreover ... what kinda name is Arvin? Plus 3.

The Situation actually gets Arvin on the phone and starts to interrogate him about Sammi. Man, this guy doesn't know when to butt out ... ever. Minus 4.

Ron confronts Sammi: “You’re the biggest liar I ever met in my life.” Eh, maybe so, but what she did was 10 times more innocent than his antics. Plus 8.

Minus 5, though, Sam. Because who voluntarily dates this clown?

TOTAL: -1. SEASON TOTAL: +232.

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