This week on Jersey Shore, Vinny and Pauly road tripped it to Staten Island, JWoww grew suspicious of Roger, and in the world of Ronnie and Sammi ... sigh.
Where do we even begin. Like Pauly D, we may kill ourselves if this goes on much longer. So what happened after Sammi's shady texts to Guido MacGyver?
As always, THG breaks down some of the top Jersey Shore quotes and scenes from the episode in our official, trademarked +/- recap below. Let's get it ON!
OH YEAH, BABY: Ron and Sam are so in love for these 12 seconds.
Let's just get this out of the way early. Ronnie and Sammi stop fighting their feelings for each other. Things are "so different" now. It's been like a week. Minus 9.
All is well, until Arvin, who The Situation terms "a jacked-up Guido MacGyver," tells him Sammi was texting him to meet at the club. THG smells drama. Plus 5.
Ron: "We're finished. I'm done. Have fun with the girls ... I had every chance to bring the f*%king hottest girl in the club home but I didn't because I was crying like a f*%king bitch, over f*%king you!" Sam: "Me too!" Minus 8.
The Snitch-uation definitely started $h!t, but it was warranted. Plus 4.Ronnie is a scary f*%king dude. He follows Sammi into her room, where she insists Arvin is just a friend. Then he keeps hounding her. Then he physically won't let her leave. This will play well at his assault trial. Minus 11.
Eh, at least he didn't throw any beds. That we know of. Plus 3.
Plus 10 for the episode's actual title, "GTF (Gym, Tan, Find Out Who Sammi Is Texting)." That was courtesy of Pauly, as was GTI: Gym, tan, I'm not buyin' it!
DUCK AND COVER: JWoww may wish she didn't call out Rog.
JWoww feels that Roger may be acting shady, then jumps the gun with a rambling voicemail. Hard to blame her for assuming the worst, but Rog is no Tom. Minus 4.
The Situation lets JWoww's dogs roam free while the roommates are gone. Fittingly, The Situation is a dog who roams free while the roommates are gone. Plus 8.
Minus 5 for the obligatory fecal issue resulting from Sitch's Doggy Day Care.
Snooki: "Whoever I have babies with, he's gotta be Italian, 'cause the last name needs to have a vowel in it. And I want my kid's last name to have a vowel in it. And be tan, obviously." Names without vowels are a bitch to pronounce, too. Plus 7.
Wonder how Jionni feels about this Stefano guy. At least she called him Nick. Wash.
There was a water balloon fight. Being 4'3", the girls get annihilated. Plus 5.
Sitch gives Snooki a facial. Amazingly, not the way you're thinking. Plus 4.
READY FOR A TAN: Vinny prepares to channel his inner Snooki.
Vinny and Pauly D road trip it to Staten Island for an epic feast of Italian food and an Uncle Nino sighting. Plus 12, because this is truly the Guido Circus.
Vinny decides that despite being the only authentic Italian in the Jersey Shore house, he's too pale for his surroundings. No, they're too orange. Minus 6.
As he preps for his spray tan, he says, "I'm standing here in my skintight briefs. I look like a total tool." Note to Vin: It's not the briefs, dog. Minus 15.
JWoww on the offerings at the club: "The guys look really good from afar, but once they come up to our table, they are jack-hideous." Pretty much. Plus 7.
Roger and JWoww get into a fight, but he's not too mad. When he asks for some space, he's somewhat reasonable! See, Ron?! It can be done! Plus 8.
Aquarium director: "What kind of animal is a penguin?" Sammi: "A mammal." Minus 17. It's a bird. "That's what I thought," Ronnie chimes in. Plus 3.
TOTAL: +18. SEASON TOTAL: +233.