Katie Holmes: There is NO ESCAPE!

This is one of our favorite recycled stories in Hollywood.

If you've got nothin' some week and you've got magazines to print, this one's in the ol' "In Case of Emergency, Break Open Celebrity Gossip Glass" Vault.

For Star, this moment came for the second time in under two months. In early March, they ran an "expose" on Katie Holmes being held against her will.

This week, it's about her "tortured life" and why "she can never leave Tom." Why can't she? We haven't read the full made-up story, but we have theories:

1. She actually loves family life with Tom and Suri Cruise.
2. Money.

Yup, that about covers it. We look forward to reading the June edition, guys. Keep up the good work ... and look how miserable she looks in this old pic!

THERE IS NO ESCAPE: The clutches of Tom Cruise? Unbreakable.

To illustrate the hilarity of how frequently and blatantly the tabloids run with this one, click to enlarge past renditions of this classic gossip fable (although sometimes they decide to mix things up and make her pregnant instead):