You're not gonna believe this, but The Bachelor spoilers have actually been revealed in advance of Monday's premiere.
Colton Underwood, the controversial leading man of the 2019 season, has given out his final rose ... but there is a twist.
Holy mother of G-d is there a twist.
We hereby invite you to grab a hat, hold the f--k onto it, and come along for the Bachelor spoilers you cannot even believe.
Okay, maybe you can believe it, because after 20-plus seasons of this show, we've learned to expect the unexpected.
Still, 2019 has some eye-popping surprises in store, according to the Oracle of Bachelor Spoilers, Reality Steve's podcast.
Let's get down to the nitty gritty and break down Colton's season, from beginning to end ... and everything in between.
Obvious alert: Bachelor spoilers await!
A Man on a Mission ...
... to go where no Bachelor has gone before. Well, actually the opposite. They've all gone there. Let us explain. As those who follow the franchise know, Colton Underwood was one of the final contenders for Becca Kufrin's final rose on The Bachelorette last season. He's also a virgin, as you can see by the show's lame marketing campaign above. So the Fantasy Suite stakes are even higher than usual for a man who's never had an overnight date with anyone!
He's Been Around
Not only has Colton been on several NFL team rosters, he's also been on Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman. Physically. We assume. They must have cuddled or spooned or something while dating, right? (He's a virgin, did we mention that?) Underwood, in all seriousness, is a higher-profile person than most Bachelor stars by virtue of his previous romantic connections.
Inside the Booth
In addition to Raisman, Colton was also in a relationship with Tia Booth of The Bachelor franchise fame. For a guy who has never gotten it in, dude sure has gotten around ... if you know what we're talking about. We're talking about him dating several quasi-famous women yet not having had sex with any of them.
A Controversial Pick
Despite some questions about his motivations, his past, and his appearances on not one but two Bachelor shows (he went on Bachelor in Paradise, a show designed for the express purpose of Bachelor Nation members boning, following his ouster from The Bachelorette), Colton got the nod over several strong contenders for the 2019 season. And it sounds like a doozy.
What Do We Know About the Season So Far?
A lot, thanks to a recent podcast by Bachelor expert Steve Carbone, aka Reality Steve. He has given us spoilers about EVERY SINGLE EPISODE, along with the revelation of Colton's final four and eventual winner.
Really? So What Goes Down on Episode 1?
Catherine Agro and Onyeka Ehie will annoy their fellow suitors by often interrupting their time with Colton, while the following women will be sent packing: Revian Chang, a 24-year-old esthetician from Santa Monica, CA; Tahzjuan Hawkins, a 25-year-old business development associate from Castle Pines, CO; Devin Gooden, a 23-year-old broadcast journalist from Medford, OR; Alex Dillon, a 23-year-old sloth from Boston, MA; Erin Landry, a 28-year-old Cinderella from Plano, TX; Adrianne "Jane" Aver, a 26-year-old social worker from West Hollywood, CA; and Laura Pellerito, a 26-year-old accountant from Dallas, TX.