You're not gonna believe this, but The Bachelor spoilers have actually been revealed in advance of Monday's premiere.
Colton Underwood, the controversial leading man of the 2019 season, has given out his final rose ... but there is a twist.
Holy mother of G-d is there a twist.
We hereby invite you to grab a hat, hold the f--k onto it, and come along for the Bachelor spoilers you cannot even believe.
Okay, maybe you can believe it, because after 20-plus seasons of this show, we've learned to expect the unexpected.
Still, 2019 has some eye-popping surprises in store, according to the Oracle of Bachelor Spoilers, Reality Steve's podcast.
Let's get down to the nitty gritty and break down Colton's season, from beginning to end ... and everything in between.
Obvious alert: Bachelor spoilers await!
A Man on a Mission ...
... to go where no Bachelor has gone before. Well, actually the opposite. They've all gone there. Let us explain. As those who follow the franchise know, Colton Underwood was one of the final contenders for Becca Kufrin's final rose on The Bachelorette last season. He's also a virgin, as you can see by the show's lame marketing campaign above. So the Fantasy Suite stakes are even higher than usual for a man who's never had an overnight date with anyone!
He's Been Around
Not only has Colton been on several NFL team rosters, he's also been on Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman. Physically. We assume. They must have cuddled or spooned or something while dating, right? (He's a virgin, did we mention that?) Underwood, in all seriousness, is a higher-profile person than most Bachelor stars by virtue of his previous romantic connections.
Inside the Booth
In addition to Raisman, Colton was also in a relationship with Tia Booth of The Bachelor franchise fame. For a guy who has never gotten it in, dude sure has gotten around ... if you know what we're talking about. We're talking about him dating several quasi-famous women yet not having had sex with any of them.
A Controversial Pick
Despite some questions about his motivations, his past, and his appearances on not one but two Bachelor shows (he went on Bachelor in Paradise, a show designed for the express purpose of Bachelor Nation members boning, following his ouster from The Bachelorette), Colton got the nod over several strong contenders for the 2019 season. And it sounds like a doozy.
What Do We Know About the Season So Far?
A lot, thanks to a recent podcast by Bachelor expert Steve Carbone, aka Reality Steve. He has given us spoilers about EVERY SINGLE EPISODE, along with the revelation of Colton's final four and eventual winner.
Really? So What Goes Down on Episode 1?
Catherine Agro and Onyeka Ehie will annoy their fellow suitors by often interrupting their time with Colton, while the following women will be sent packing: Revian Chang, a 24-year-old esthetician from Santa Monica, CA; Tahzjuan Hawkins, a 25-year-old business development associate from Castle Pines, CO; Devin Gooden, a 23-year-old broadcast journalist from Medford, OR; Alex Dillon, a 23-year-old sloth from Boston, MA; Erin Landry, a 28-year-old Cinderella from Plano, TX; Adrianne "Jane" Aver, a 26-year-old social worker from West Hollywood, CA; and Laura Pellerito, a 26-year-old accountant from Dallas, TX.
Who Will Get the First Impression Rose?
Hannah Godwin, a 23-year-old content creator from Birmingham, Alabama. She's pictured above.
What About Episode 2?
Hannah Brown (pictured) will get to go on the first one-on-one date, while Heather Martin and Elyse Dehlbom will nab roses from the two group dates.
Who Will Get the Axe This Week?
According to Reality Steve, it will be: Alex Blumberg, a 29-year-old dog rescuer from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada; Annie Reardon, a 23-year-old financial associate from New York, NY; Angelique Sherman, a 28-year-old marketing salesperson from Hamilton, NJ; and Erika McNutt, a 25-year-old recruiter from Encinitas, CA.
What About Episode 3?
Caitlin Clemmens (pictured) will shock the show by actually quitting during this episode's second group date.
And Who Will Colton Send Home?
Our early apologies to: Catherine Agro, a 26-year-old DJ from Ft. Lauderdale, FL; Nina Bartula, a 30-year-old sales account manager from Raleigh, NC; and Brianna "Bri" Barnes, a 24-year-old model from Los Angeles, CA.
On to Episode 4!
Caelynn Miller-Keyes (pictured), a 23-year-old former Miss North Carolina, will have some kind of intense conversation with Colton. She and Tayshia Adams will enjoyed one-on-one dates while the remaining 15 suitors will all travel to Singapore.
Who Will Get Cut?
Courtney Curtis, a 23-year-old caterer from Atlanta will NOT receive a rose this week; nor will Tracy Shapoff, a 31-year-old wardrobe stylist from Los Angeles.
Where Will Everyone Head on Episode 5?
Thailand, where Cassie Randolph (pictured) will accompany Colton on a one-on-one date. So will Heather; while Hannah B. earns a group date rose.
Due to a lack of feelings for Colton, Elyse will simply leave the show this week, Steve alleges.
Damn. Who Will Join Her?
It won't be of their own volition, but Onyeka (pictured) and Nicole will be sent home by Colton at the end of this installment.
Off to Vietnam!
That's where Colton and his remaining ladies will head on Episode 6. Kirpa Sudick (pictured), a 26-year-old dental hygienist from California, will get some alone time with Underwood.
Also... Someone Else Quits?!?
Yup! Amazing, right? But Steve claims Sydney Lotuaco, a 27-year old dancer from New York, will walk away from Colton because she simply doesn't feel any spark with him.
Who Does Colton Reject?
Katie Morton, a 26-year-old medical sales representative from Sherman Oaks, is allegedly the woman Underwood himself asks to leave.
On this same episode, Colton will be informed that Caelynn and Cassie are not on the show for the legendary right reasons. Sources say they were just on board to become try and be the next Bachelorette. For shame, ladies!
On Episode 7...
... another suitor quits! This time it will be Heather, who isn't prepared to introduce Colton to her family.
... Kirpa. She gets the boot to close this episode, leaving Colton with four women.
And Who Are These Final 4?
Caelynn, Cassie, Tayshia and Hannah G!
Not a shocker right here. Is it hot in here or is it ... Caelynn Miller-Keyes? The 23-year-old Caelynn is Miss North Carolina 2018. She's a total knockout ... but will she knock out the remaining competitors on Colton's season?
Tayshia Adams also gets a hometown date, which will be interesting as relatively little is known about the 28-year-old from Orange County, California. She's mysterious and also a little complicated, and, as we said, we haven't been able to sleuth out too much about her prior to the season.
Hannah is gorgeous and made a great first impression with Colton, as evidenced by winning the first rose of the season, as we mentioned above. Will that be enough to win her the final rose, as well??
To the surprise of no one at this point, the 23-year-old ESL teacher from Huntington Beach, California, is one of Colton's final four. And believe us when we tell you that Cassie Randolph will live in infamy as far as future generations of Bachelor Nation are concerned. But before we get to that, who will survive the hometown dates, and who will be going home ... for good?!
Close, But Not Getting Colton's Cigar
Caelynn will be the first of the final four to get eliminated, Steve says, predicting that she will then become the front-runner to be the next Bachelorette.
Off to Portugal!
And the Fantasy Suites! This is where it gets interesting: Steve says that Colton will travel to Portugal with his remaining trio, inviting Tayshia (pictured) to his Fantasy Suite.
Cassie is The One!
Sort of! Okay, so... after spending the night with Tayshia, Colton invited Cassie to his Fantasy Suite. And? "Something happened on that overnight date that made Colton want to be with Cassie and basically end the show," Steve said on his podcast, hinting that Cassie may have taken Underwood's famous virginity... and taken it well!
So Long, Hannah G. and Tayshia!
Colton proceeded to reject both Hannah G. (who never got an overnight date) and Tayshia, choosing to propose to Cassie, the apparent love of his life/only woman to make him scream in orgasmic delight.
But There's a Major Hiccup
"Cassie told him, 'I don't want to be engaged,'" Carbone says, expounding on her reaction as follows: "She essentially pulled a [Peter Kraus]. Like, 'I'm 23... I don't want to be engaged.' ... Cassie leaves the show on her overnight date because she doesn't want to be engaged. And Colton, obviously, is very upset."
Uhhhh, Huh? What?!?
According to Carbone, Cassie actually returned home to California after she chose to leave the show -- and Underwood then returned to America and essentially tracked her down.
So... Now What? Where Do They Stand?
Steve explains that Colton and Cassie decided to remain together for a few months, without an engagement, in order to see how they really feel about each other and to determine if they're on the same page. We can expect an update on the After the Rose special, which was filmed in March and which Steve does not have extensive spoilers for.
In Conclusion, Though?
"He definitely chose Cassie, and they are definitely seeing each other, and have been seeing each other since the end of filming," Steve says.