Sure, Farrah Abraham is still fired from Teen Mom OG, but that doesn’t mean she’s about to go gently into the good night of former reality star obscurity.
In fact, she’s been on her grind more than ever lately, making tabloid headlines like it’s her job … which we suppose it sort of is.
In the past few weeks, Farrah has been arrested for assault; she’s launched feuds with fellow washed-up reality stars, and of course, she’s been posting scantily-clad photos to her social media pages.
The girl has a product to sell, and it’s herself.
She’s banking on people like you wanting to know all about her hopes, dreams, and upcoming porn projects.
And now, it seems she’s under the impression that you’ll be willing to pay for that privilege:
The Farrah Files
Yes, folks, it’s finally here — the app that puts all others to shame! Take a hike, Google Maps! Beat it, Uber! The official farrah Abraham app is now available for download!
Creativity — Not Her Strong Suit
Yes, quite lamely, the app is named simply “Farrah Abraham.” This might create confusion among fans who wish to purchase Farrah’s, um … other services.
Knowing Her Audience
But what Farrah lacks in innovation, she makes up for with shameless self-promotion. Here she is pitching her app to fans as only she can.
Come Again?
For the most part, she’s clearly just reading from cue cards here, but there’s a weird bit at the end about how much she likes “the outdoors and summer.” Anyway, it might be the least nonsensical she’s ever been.
A Heaping Helping of Word Salad
And of course, no Farrah post would be complete without a massive block of emoji-laden text as a caption. “I’m freakin out my first app launched today at the @apple store,” Farrah wrote, adding that she’s hoping to take a break Instagram and Twitter for the foreseeable future.
Farrah For Sale!
“So happy I have my own app now & can have a break from social media! Enter to win a LA trip to join me for my App launch pool party!” Abraham wrote. Yes, Farrah wants to invite one lucky fan to bang … sorry, we mean HANG with her in Los Angeles.
Deal of the Century!
And what’s in store for those who shell out for the subscription version of Farrah’s app? Well, we’re not really sure. But here are some highlights from the description in the app store …
Social Media Mogul
“Check out the in-app social media feed for live updates and videos!” Yes, it seems there’s a social network within the app, for some reason. Watch out, Zuckerberg! Farrah’s coming for that number one spot!
Queen Mom
“Boost your comments with Superstars, become a Top 3 fan, and be seen by Farrah!” So, if you spend enough time and money on the app, you can rise through the ranks and Farrah will acknowledge your existence? We guess that’s as good a life goal as any other.
The Ultimate Prize
“Join exciting contests for a chance to win amazing prizes like meeting Farrah, event tickets, and more …” She’s really selling that “meet Farrah” prize. We’re guessing that’s the only prize there is.
Not the Kind You’re Looking For
“Watch cool videos.” Sadly, the app offers no adult content, so these aren’t the Farrah videos you have in mind.
We’re Confused
“Follow Farrah on social media!” Can’t … can’t we do that already, for free?
The Response
As you may have guessed, Farrah-philes are going wild, and the app has been flying off the virtual shelves. Just kidding, TMOG fans are roasting Farrah to a crisp for thinking anyone would pay $4.99 a month for this crap.
Never Change, Internet
The comments on Farrah’s announcement post have been overwhelmingly critical, with some fans really unloading on Farrah.
That Would Explain a Lot
This follower has an interesting theory to describe Farrah’s popularity, writing: “People like to follow her for entertainment value. I do. It’s hilarious. She’s an alien.”
Not Exactly Killing It
This fan went ahead and checked the sales figures. They’re not exactly encouraging …
Keeping It Simple
This follower didn’t even need words to make his point. And for that, we thank him …
Too Far?
This user went ahead and trashed Farrah’s parenting skills, which … actually, that’s totally fair. If anyone deserves that sort of talk, it’s Farrah.
The End of Farrah?
Obviously, Farrah is taking a massive risk by abandoning social media in favor of posting on her app. And thus far, it seems it’s not paying off. If these trends continue, this could be the business venture that finally ends Farrah’s career.