Another week, another episode of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? Season 5.
This one was a doozy, with multiple conversations in which one star “warns” others about someone else.
Larissa gives Jess a heads up about Colt’s cheating, warning her that he’s a “demon” and Debbie is a “wolf.”
Andrei underhandedly badmouths Elizabeth’s family to his family, just days before they will meet.
Asuelu has a pity party about not getting his way, tells Kalani that being a mother of two young kids is “easy,” and hilariously storms off.
Check out our thorough recap for all of that and more:
Larissa Lima
We had to start with this because it’s so much — one 90 Day Fiance star warning her ex’s new girlfriend that he’s a toxic creep. And it’s all over the phone.
Why is she doing it?
Because Larissa remembers what Colt was like when they first started talking — she was so charmed by him. She saw some red flags (she even blocked him a couple of times while they were just in the “talking” phase), but she saw him change and saw his true self during their marriage. She doesn’t want it to happen to another girl.
She doesn’t want history to repeat itself
If not in so many words, Larissa reflects on Colt’s cheating scandal, his alleged emotional torment and manipulation of her, and how in the end he vindictively tried to get her deported when he no longer felt that he had any use for her.
So she calls her up
This is possibly the funniest contact name that we have ever seen on 90 Day Fiance.
So, Larissa calls Jess Caroline
Jess is also a Brazilian model, and right now, Colt has her wrapped around his little finger. Larissa hopes to change that.
Jess has heard of Larissa
She immediately (at least, in the edit that they played on TV, which doesn’t have to follow chronological order or accurately reflect that conversation) points out that Colt has been badmouthing Larissa.
Jess speaks her mind
She thinks that Colt is a good guy and she finds him charming and sweet — just as Larissa once did.
Larissa makes it clear
She warns Jess that Colt “is a demon,” which is incredibly dramatic but appropriate given Larissa’s flair for drama and also her history with Colt.
Larissa likes Jess
From what she has seen of her so far on social media, Larissa thinks that Jess is a good person who doesn’t deserve the mind games, the cruelty, and manipulations that Larissa fears may be in store for her.
Jess is overwhelmed
She can’t really take in everything that Larissa is saying to her. The double-language barrier is also a factor, here — if this were not filmed for television, they could communicate better in Portuguese.
Jess stands firm
Colt is “cute” and says nice things to her, so how could he be the man that Larissa describes?
Larissa changes tactics
She asks if Colt goes out of his way to hide his phone from her. Jess admits that he does. Notably, Colt had a huge cheating scandal towards the end of their marriage, in which he was allegedly trading affectionate messages and nudes with various women while claiming to them that his marriage to Larissa was just a sham for reality TV.
Colt is a “geeky player”
Larissa warns Jess that though Colt is a geek, he cheated on her and will cheat on Jess.
Oh, and has Jess met Debbie?
Jess has not met Colt’s mom, which prompts Larissa to warn her that Debbie is a “wolf.” Honestly, we are digging this evocative descriptions by Larissa.
And later …
Larissa is in the car with her friend, Hannah. She has been contacted by Immigration and is of course fearful that she will be deported.
It could be the end of everything
This portion of the episode comes at the end, but … we know that Larissa is still in the US now, in 2020.
Paul and Karine Staehle
Now that they are in the US, Paul is eager to prove himself to Karine and show him that there are a lot of conveniences in the US that will make living there worth it despite the separation from her family.
It’s the little things
Karine is accustomed to mildly to aggressively impoverished portions of Brazil, where tap water is not just unhealthy, but visibly revolting. Paul describes a sort of sludge oozing out of the pipes. While there are places in the US where tap water is unsafe, they are the exception, and Paul hopes to get Karine accustomed to the US.
See?
He drinks some water to show Karine that it is safe. We can understand where she’s coming from. If a brand new toilet were filled with 100% perfectly clean water, would you drink from it? I wouldn’t, and Karine will have to unlearn her revulsion before she can drink from a sink.
Paul’s life is a disaster
Paul does not have a key to his mother’s house, which he resents, but he has an old car with stuff locked in the trunk — it’s been locked up since he went to Brazil. Paul awkwardly shows the old, old car to Karine. Seriously, I’m no car expert, and this could have picked me up from preschool.
Kalani Faagata and Asuelu Pulaa
Asuelu is still bitter about not being able to visit his family in Samoa during a measles outbreak. Their children are both young and measles is one of the most contagious diseases to impact humans. Asuelu is still trying to argue.
He whines that no one is supporting him
This is because everyone else — by which we mean Kalani’s family — doesn’t see a family vacation with two small children as being a reason to visit someone during an outbreak.
He complains ….
Honestly, Asuelu’s attitude that the outbreak shouldn’t get in the way of his plans and therefore isn’t a real problem would be more shocking if we weren’t watching this during a pandemic. I saw a video over the weekend of a deranged, unmasked woman trying to ram her way into a store and then licking the glass on the door to spite the mask-wearing employees. So yeah, in that context, Asuelu’s sullen response isn’t that shocking.
Road trip!
With Kalani’s mom driving (not a cheeto in sight), they embark upon a road trip. The kids are under the weather and Kalani is not feeling great, but Asuelu is the one with the most complaints.
He tries to spin this against Kalani
Asuelu tries to argue that the kids can’t go on a family trip while they’re under the weather, as if that’s the same thing as flying into a measles outbreak. It’s weirdly childish of him.
And later …
Asuelu complains that he doesn’t like road trips with Kalani’s mom, and Kalani correctly points out that he likely resents how her mom will back her up when they argue. Asuelu insists that his Mother in Law is merely “annoying.”
Kalani has a lot going on
She admits that she told herself that when Asuelu was no longer surrounded by his same old friends and was in America, that he would step up and act like a mature adult. However, that has not happened. Now she is a mother of two but effectively has three children.
He constantly devalues her labor
Asuelu protests that he doesn’t say that her work as a full time mother for her two kids is “nothing.”
But …
Asuelu says that her job is “easy.” It is not. There is not a job that I have had in my life that I would trade for being a parent, let alone of two small children.
He protests that he helps
While insisting that Kalani raise their children, make the food, and maintain the entire household singlehandedly, Asuelu notes that he occasionally does work in the yard.
That’s the same, right?
Kalani says that no, doing yard work once a week is not the same thing as being a mom, which is a full time job with no breaks.
She’s had ENOUGH
Kalani calls out Asuelu for being a manipulator, and even patiently explains that his insistence upon changing the subject whenever he knows that she is right is exhausting and toxic.
Asuelu turns it back on her, again
Accusing her of using “expensive” words, Asuelu is once again trying to change the subject from Kalani’s grievance with him to something else.
Kalani is SO done
She laments to the camera that, at this moment, she does all of the parenting and housework and she feels like Asuelu’s only real contribution right now is to critique what she does.
Meanwhile …
Speaking to the confessional camera, Asuelu shares that he doesn’t really have the English vocabulary to properly articulate his feelings.
Then
Asuelu packs up his things and leaves the house and, bizarrely, gets onto a bus, casually asking producers if they can take his mic.
Yes, really
90 Day Fiance sometimes has drama staged by producers, but this may just be Asuelu’s strange behavior. If you need some space, go for a walk — you don’t have to flee on a bus.
Elizabeth Potthast and Andrei Castravet
Andrei has talked Elizabeth into having a second wedding, in Moldova, and she in turn has talked her dad into paying for it. Chuck clearly hopes that, eventually, Andrei will be less of a jerk and so all of this indulgence will be worth it.
They set off
Andrei is excited that they’ll be “married twice” when they return. On the flight, they do what they can to keep their baby occupied as they cross the Atlantic.
Elizabeth is giving him everything that he wants
Andrei says that he has convinced her that this second, Moldovan wedding where everything is how he wants it is for “both” of them.
Dinner is a little awkward
When Elizabeth tells them that she is a Baptist, she gets honestly one of the funniest questions that we’ve seen. “Oh, you don’t Christian?”
DOES Elizabeth “Christian?”
She does, in fact, Christian, but because she is not part of their orthodox church, she will need to be baptised in order to have a Moldovan wedding. Notably, not only is Elizabeth a baptist, but she appeared in a short Christian film.
Elizabeth takes the baby to bed …
At which point Andrei, being a huge jerk and really embracing his role as a villain, decides to badmouth Elizabeth’s family to his own family.
He wants to “warn” them
Notably, Andrei’s dad has met Elizabeth’s family. He’s a sweet guy and it’s unclear what made Andrei the way that he is. But yeah, he sits there and as soon as his wife is out of the room, he tells his family that he has a bad relationship with Elizabeth’s family.
He worries they will say something “stupid”
While that is always possible, he has historically been the one to say rude things to them, and not the other way around.
Angela Deem and Michael Ilesanmi
After showing us Michael in Nigeria for the first time this season, we’re back to Angela, who is in desperate need of a witness to her wedding. She needs an American witness so that when she gets married in Nigeria, she can more easily apply for a spousal visa. And her friend agrees to do it!
At last!
As excited as Angela is that she finally has the witness that she needs after her daughter declined, she has another concern on her plate — possible uterine cancer.
She visits with family
Comically, Angela is wearing her wedding dress with the price tag still attached. Yes, many of us have tried on clothes with the tags still on them. Few of us have done this on camera.
Angela’s mom gives her “blessing”
Angela’s mother, who is visibly frail and unwell, gives Angela a half-hearted blessing to go. (We are not going to make jokes about her halfhearted blessing; Glenda passed away earlier this year)
Angela’s dress is quite something
You know how Elizabeth’s dress has to be almost absurdly modest? Angela’s is on the other end of the spectrum.
And then, the biopsy
Angela’s doctor is amazing. Like … we’ve seen scripted comedies and famous comedians whose deliveries were less funny than her explanation of why she doesn’t normally use nitrous oxide for such a simple biopsy.
Colt Johnson and Debbie Johnson
Colt finally tells his mother, the “wolf” Debbie, about Jess, and Debbie has concerns about him dating another woman while he is still waging war against Larissa. Debbie, at this point, is still expecting Larissa to be deported.
Colt chats with Jess … and gets a taste of turnabout
Colt has a very awkward video chat with Jess, where he announces that Debbie will be accompanying him to Brazil to visit her. At this point, Jess tells him that her father doesn’t think that he’s good for her.
Colt disagrees
It’s unclear if the irony of his girlfriend’s parent being an obstacle in his relationship occurred to him at the time, but regardless, he tries to convince Jess that he’s perfect for her and exactly what she needs.
Jess is less convinced
She hopes that Colt will be able to win over her father, because her relationship with her dad is important to her.
Meanwhile …
Colt’s lady friend Vanessa, of whom Jess is jealous, joins him and Debbie for dinner, where they discuss Colt’s Jess drama.
Debbie has concerns
For one thing, she doesn’t love hearing that Colt paid for Jess’ flight to Brazil. She worries that she’s just using her son.
But … who is Vanessa?
So, we mentioned her vaguely last year — because we have been talking about this woman since late summer 2019. Vanessa and Colt met as “friends” while he was still married to Larissa. Given his cheating scandal, it’s unclear how close of friends they were. We expect to see a lot more from Vanessa as the season continues.