Another week, another episode of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? Season 5.
This one was a doozy, with multiple conversations in which one star "warns" others about someone else.
Larissa gives Jess a heads up about Colt's cheating, warning her that he's a "demon" and Debbie is a "wolf."
Andrei underhandedly badmouths Elizabeth's family to his family, just days before they will meet.
Asuelu has a pity party about not getting his way, tells Kalani that being a mother of two young kids is "easy," and hilariously storms off.
Check out our thorough recap for all of that and more:
We had to start with this because it's so much -- one 90 Day Fiance star warning her ex's new girlfriend that he's a toxic creep. And it's all over the phone.
Why is she doing it?
Because Larissa remembers what Colt was like when they first started talking -- she was so charmed by him. She saw some red flags (she even blocked him a couple of times while they were just in the "talking" phase), but she saw him change and saw his true self during their marriage. She doesn't want it to happen to another girl.
She doesn't want history to repeat itself
If not in so many words, Larissa reflects on Colt's cheating scandal, his alleged emotional torment and manipulation of her, and how in the end he vindictively tried to get her deported when he no longer felt that he had any use for her.
So she calls her up
This is possibly the funniest contact name that we have ever seen on 90 Day Fiance.
So, Larissa calls Jess Caroline
Jess is also a Brazilian model, and right now, Colt has her wrapped around his little finger. Larissa hopes to change that.
Jess has heard of Larissa
She immediately (at least, in the edit that they played on TV, which doesn't have to follow chronological order or accurately reflect that conversation) points out that Colt has been badmouthing Larissa.
Jess speaks her mind
She thinks that Colt is a good guy and she finds him charming and sweet -- just as Larissa once did.
Larissa makes it clear
She warns Jess that Colt "is a demon," which is incredibly dramatic but appropriate given Larissa's flair for drama and also her history with Colt.
Larissa likes Jess
From what she has seen of her so far on social media, Larissa thinks that Jess is a good person who doesn't deserve the mind games, the cruelty, and manipulations that Larissa fears may be in store for her.
Jess is overwhelmed
She can't really take in everything that Larissa is saying to her. The double-language barrier is also a factor, here -- if this were not filmed for television, they could communicate better in Portuguese.
Jess stands firm
Colt is "cute" and says nice things to her, so how could he be the man that Larissa describes?
Larissa changes tactics
She asks if Colt goes out of his way to hide his phone from her. Jess admits that he does. Notably, Colt had a huge cheating scandal towards the end of their marriage, in which he was allegedly trading affectionate messages and nudes with various women while claiming to them that his marriage to Larissa was just a sham for reality TV.
Colt is a "geeky player"
Larissa warns Jess that though Colt is a geek, he cheated on her and will cheat on Jess.
Oh, and has Jess met Debbie?
Jess has not met Colt's mom, which prompts Larissa to warn her that Debbie is a "wolf." Honestly, we are digging this evocative descriptions by Larissa.
And later ...
Larissa is in the car with her friend, Hannah. She has been contacted by Immigration and is of course fearful that she will be deported.
It could be the end of everything
This portion of the episode comes at the end, but ... we know that Larissa is still in the US now, in 2020.
Paul and Karine Staehle
Now that they are in the US, Paul is eager to prove himself to Karine and show him that there are a lot of conveniences in the US that will make living there worth it despite the separation from her family.
It's the little things
Karine is accustomed to mildly to aggressively impoverished portions of Brazil, where tap water is not just unhealthy, but visibly revolting. Paul describes a sort of sludge oozing out of the pipes. While there are places in the US where tap water is unsafe, they are the exception, and Paul hopes to get Karine accustomed to the US.
He drinks some water to show Karine that it is safe. We can understand where she's coming from. If a brand new toilet were filled with 100% perfectly clean water, would you drink from it? I wouldn't, and Karine will have to unlearn her revulsion before she can drink from a sink.
Paul's life is a disaster
Paul does not have a key to his mother's house, which he resents, but he has an old car with stuff locked in the trunk -- it's been locked up since he went to Brazil. Paul awkwardly shows the old, old car to Karine. Seriously, I'm no car expert, and this could have picked me up from preschool.
Kalani Faagata and Asuelu Pulaa
Asuelu is still bitter about not being able to visit his family in Samoa during a measles outbreak. Their children are both young and measles is one of the most contagious diseases to impact humans. Asuelu is still trying to argue.
He whines that no one is supporting him
This is because everyone else -- by which we mean Kalani's family -- doesn't see a family vacation with two small children as being a reason to visit someone during an outbreak.
He complains ....
Honestly, Asuelu's attitude that the outbreak shouldn't get in the way of his plans and therefore isn't a real problem would be more shocking if we weren't watching this during a pandemic. I saw a video over the weekend of a deranged, unmasked woman trying to ram her way into a store and then licking the glass on the door to spite the mask-wearing employees. So yeah, in that context, Asuelu's sullen response isn't that shocking.
With Kalani's mom driving (not a cheeto in sight), they embark upon a road trip. The kids are under the weather and Kalani is not feeling great, but Asuelu is the one with the most complaints.
He tries to spin this against Kalani
Asuelu tries to argue that the kids can't go on a family trip while they're under the weather, as if that's the same thing as flying into a measles outbreak. It's weirdly childish of him.
And later ...
Asuelu complains that he doesn't like road trips with Kalani's mom, and Kalani correctly points out that he likely resents how her mom will back her up when they argue. Asuelu insists that his Mother in Law is merely "annoying."
Kalani has a lot going on
She admits that she told herself that when Asuelu was no longer surrounded by his same old friends and was in America, that he would step up and act like a mature adult. However, that has not happened. Now she is a mother of two but effectively has three children.
He constantly devalues her labor
Asuelu protests that he doesn't say that her work as a full time mother for her two kids is "nothing."
Asuelu says that her job is "easy." It is not. There is not a job that I have had in my life that I would trade for being a parent, let alone of two small children.
He protests that he helps
While insisting that Kalani raise their children, make the food, and maintain the entire household singlehandedly, Asuelu notes that he occasionally does work in the yard.
That's the same, right?
Kalani says that no, doing yard work once a week is not the same thing as being a mom, which is a full time job with no breaks.
She's had ENOUGH
Kalani calls out Asuelu for being a manipulator, and even patiently explains that his insistence upon changing the subject whenever he knows that she is right is exhausting and toxic.
Asuelu turns it back on her, again
Accusing her of using "expensive" words, Asuelu is once again trying to change the subject from Kalani's grievance with him to something else.
Kalani is SO done
She laments to the camera that, at this moment, she does all of the parenting and housework and she feels like Asuelu's only real contribution right now is to critique what she does.
Speaking to the confessional camera, Asuelu shares that he doesn't really have the English vocabulary to properly articulate his feelings.
Asuelu packs up his things and leaves the house and, bizarrely, gets onto a bus, casually asking producers if they can take his mic.