Reading to your kids is GREAT! But maybe DON’T read these 41 hilariously inappropriate children’s books to them, okay? Cool.
Aiming Low
Meh, you don’t need to be an astronaut when you grow up, kid! You can be a garbage man instead.
Crack House
We’re thinking the authors didn’t ACTUALLY mean a crack house, but, well, we can never be too sure.
Gone With the Wind
Uh, err, is this the best way to discuss death with kids? Because fireflies come back. Sort of. Daddy probably isn’t. Probably.
Body Image Issues
HOLY MOLY. This was probably written by Kris Jenner and explains everything about Kim Kardashian’s poor body image.
Snowballs
James Deen and Farrah Abraham probably tried this in Backdoor Teen Mom.
Special Delivery
Thomas has a load to deliver to Sir Top’em Hatt.
Tossed Salad
Oh, Little Golden Books. You’re so…inappropriate.
Sociopath 101
See also: Leave baby in pool of blood after mom is dismembered a la Dexter.
This is Legit
YES THAT IS WHY SHE DRINKS! WINE! WINE! GIVE HER THE WINE!
Daddy’s a Drunk
Daddy drinks because all he wanted was a BJ.
Drunk Bobby
Bobby drinks because his parents don’t pay attention. And so the cycle continues.
Hail, Satan!
Wait, we thought these were children’s books?
Yes, Everything
Rules are meant to be broken, okay? (No, no they aren’t.)
Noodling Is Illegal
And Daddy went to jail for it. Or for gun-running? I mean, what is happening in that poor, sad bunny boy’s picture?
Best Friends Forever
You can TRY to kiss the frog, but that will probably just give you warts.
Terrible, Horrible Secret
I…uh…wha…that cover art. DUDE.
Muffin Munching
Blueberry flavored? Or au naturale?
Spay and Neuter Your Pets
Well, that’s one way to explain the cone of shame.
Lift the Flap
Were the creators of this book drunk? What is this? Elmo!! Shame on you, you little flasher!
Don’t Listen to Elmo
No, really. Your parents probably won’t thank you for running away. (WTF, ELMO!)
Walk of Shame, the Preschool Years
It’s…never to early to teach your kids how to do the walk of shame without getting caught after they slept with a sheep? Ummmm….
A Sperm Story
This is made infinitely more hilarious by the fact that the sperm is named “Willy.”
Phallic Proboscis
So yeah, that elephant trunk definitely looks like a penis.
See Dick Go Up
That Dick, Jane, Spot, and Baby taught generations of kids to read does not make this any less inappropriate and/or hilarious.
It Doesn’t Get Better
Talk about your depressing literature. How did this get published?
Smokey the Bear Says…
Is this to teach kids not to play with matches or to scare the sh*t out of them or both? Because mission accomplished on the latter.
The Amazing Bone
“The Amazing Bone” could definitely double as a porn title.
Afterthought
This here placement of that second kid is what we like to call an “afterthought.” CLEARLY.
Lady and the Tramp
You know, just teaching the kids about the birds and the bees. NBD.
Pleasure Island
Was THIS Harpo’s Horrible Secret? Did Grandpa work for THIS guy? (Also, WTF, DISNEY!?!!)
WHO EVEN CARES?
So, word choice is important. Super, extra important.
Yeah, You Like That?
That’s what’s on the next page.
They’re All The Same
Chinese people totally all look the same, right? (No.)
Scarred For Life
Not the sounds any child ever wants to hear. Save money for therapy bills.
Ho, Ho, NOPE
Oh, Santa, you naughty old elf!
Pull and Pray
That’s not actually an effective method of birth control. Nor is birth control something this book is about. Probably.
Toot Toot!
Ahhh, methane. Such a worthy gas to study.
Yes, Everyone
Even that…apple? So confused.
What a Long, Strange Trip It’s Been
Because nothing says “no more anal retention issues” like knowing the inner workings of your illustrated intestines.
Pooh Gets Stuck
So sometimes this happens.
Stick to Honey, Pooh
They SERIOUSLY couldn’t have done a better job with this title? Seriously?!?!