Gwyneth Paltrow. The name is synonymous with “Privileged,” which must give her license to say the most ridiculous, most obnoxious things in the world.
The Oscar winner and GOOP founder covers the May issue of SELF, which is apt given how much she talks about the organic, pristine, 24-carat life she enjoys.
Let’s take a gander at the droplets of wisdom and advice that absolutely no one can relate to.
Americans Are Gross
“We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art, and literature — all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe.”
“I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”
Can’t you do both?
Listen To Your Friend, Beyonce
“Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun. She’s like, ‘Remember when we were at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that.”
Stop Projecting Your Poor-Person Sh** On Her
“My books are No. 1 New York Times best sellers, my website is growing every day and is very successful. If people who know me and love me have a criticism, then I really want to hear it. But if not, it’s just a projection, like I’m a screen, and it’s not about me, so I don’t absorb it.” (The Kit)
Do These Fries Make Me Look Fat?
“We basically can’t live without Vegenaise—it’s a little out of control.”
#ScienceTalk
“We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air. I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it’s really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day.” (Cosmo UK)
Internet Trolling Is Just Like Warfare
“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing,” Paltrow said. “It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing … My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.” (Re/Code)
Lie…Or A Cry For Help?
“I drank like crazy [when the kids were babies]. How else could I get through my day?” (Redbook)
Being a Working Mom Is Hard, Even If You’re Wealthy, OK?
“I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as…of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set.”
Useless Five-Star Hotels, Amiright?
“When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, ‘No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?'” (Elle)
When Your Daughter is Cooler Than You
”My daughter gravitates toward fresh fruit and raw nuts but will inhale a bag of hot Cheetos at the airport. It’s all about balance.” (GOOP)
The Met Ball Is Canceled, ‘Cause She Said So
“Do you want me to be honest? [The Met Gala] sucked. It seems like it’s the best thing in the world, you always think, ‘Oh my god, it’s gonna be so glamorous and amazing and you’re going to see all these people,’ and then you get there and it’s so hot and it’s so crowded and everyone’s pushing you.” (Kyle & Jackie O)
Lies We Tell People
“I eat whatever I want. I like bread and cheese and wine, and that makes my life fun and enjoyable.” (Stylecaster)
Because Your Child Was Born With a Sophisticated Palette
“I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.” (NY Daily News)
Get Up and Run, Fatty
“Every woman can make time [to work out] — every woman — and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I’ve worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work.” (Press Assocation)
Deal With My Privilege, Plebs
“I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.” (Elle UK)
Gwynnie Doesn’t Have Drunk Friends
“I think they’re the idiot people and I’m the normal person. But I don’t really go to parties where … I don’t really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it’s incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, ooh, you’re really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public.” (The Stir)
Oh God
“Even actresses that you really admire, like Reese Witherspoon, you think, ‘Another romantic comedy?’ You see her in something like Walk the Line and think, ‘God, you’re so great!’ And then you think, ‘Why is she doing these stupid romantic comedies?’ But of course, it’s for money and status.” (The Guardian)
Cheating On Your Partner Is Fine, Cheating On Your Diet Is Not
“I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extramarital affairs.” (Daily Mail)
Kids Don’t Need Structure, They Need Avocados
“Just to have my kids be in the sun every day—picking avocados, going for a swim. Even for two years or something, and come back when they go to senior school.” (Harper’s Bazaar)