It’s Friday, you’re tired (and sort-of cranky) and you certainly don’t have the patience for reading through another Cable Quotables intro. And we totally hear you. So since Intern Wendy can’t contain her excitement, we’ll cut right to the chase! This week, Nancy Grace incorrectly assumes her spawn will be dateable, Bill O’Reilly does a terrible job at promoting literature and Joel McHale saves us the suspense and tells us what’s going to happen to Ellen DeGeneres and her mangy mongrel. We hope you’re happy.
• “Hey, I’m not even answering the door until these twins are 18.” Nancy Grace, putting her unborn babies on house-arrest, Nancy Grace, October 15
• “This is not a book for the dim child.??? Bill O???Reilly, suggesting that his target demographic find something else for their leisure reading, The O???Reilly Factor, October 16
• “There is something about divorcing K-Fed that makes you want to throw your panties to the wind and show your hoo-ha to the world. It???s part insecurity, yes, and it???s part defiance and it???s part ‘come and get me world, I???m available.’??? Michael Musto, blaming Kevin Federline for Briney Spears??? abject refusal to wear underpants, Countdown, October 17
• “OK, did you say Rita Cosby read a book?” Keith Olbermann, wondering if Rita Cosby is, in fact, smarter than a fifth grader, Countdown, October 17
• “Some say network anchors should be serious, not silly. Why can???t they be both?” Neil Cavuto, awkwardly justifying Bill O???Reilly???s existence, Your World, October 17
• “I don???t know who started it, but I know how it???s going to end. The dog will somehow end up with Larry Birkhead. Rita Cosby will write a book. And then she will do a lot of interviews where she sounds like she smoked a carton of cigarettes.” Joel McHale, predicting the future of Ellen DeGeneres??? press-generating puppy, Countdown, October 17
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