I typically try to come up with some sort of witty headline for a television show review.
I'll go to my grave (fiery or otherwise) thinking THIS was the highlight of my career as a writer of content.
But then I had a revelation when I say down to comment on the Game of Thrones finale -- and that revelation was this:
If the writers of the show aren't going to try, why should I bother?
It's become more commonplace on the Internet to trash Game of Thrones Season 8 than it has to stop following James Charles.
And I've been at the forefront of that charge:
I did not think Dany's homicidal heel turn was well-earned, I thought it was unnecessary and even insulting to have Jaime sleep with Brienne and then return to Cersei; and I even felt the relatively easy disposal of the Night King in just one episode was unsatisfying.
But that's all been discussed ad nauseam online and on this website.
My analysis of the Game of Thrones finale is far simpler and doesn't invoke any of the illogical plot arcs that have tainted Season 8.
This was simply a very poorly-written and boring episode of television.
Any episode of television, really, let alone the final episode of arguably the most popular show of all-time.
The series had written itself into a corner by having Dany burn up tens of thousands of men, women and children.
There was no way for her (brief) reign to end other than having Jon Snow stab her in the chest. There just wasn't.
So the build-up to this climactic scene just felt like a waste of time. Tyrion really had to somehow convince Jon he had no choice but to kill Dany? Did any viewer doubt for a second that nephew was going to murder aunt?
But fine, we had to get there somehow and Jon has been painted as feeling very conflicted about how to handle the psychotic woman he apparently loves.
It's everything that happened after this scene that made me angrier than Bronn in a city with no brothels.
Let's start with: What actually happened after?!?
In what universe would the Unsullied come upon Jon after he killed Dany and not murder him on the spot?
Instead, they evidently imprisoned him and somehow alerted all the Lords and Ladies that there was a slight problem in King's Landing and they should really get there as quickly as possible because, boy, do they have a lot to debate!
And that's actually what then transpired:
We were treated to a lengthy scene involving about 12 people, half of whose identity I completely forgot, just sitting around and talking about who should reign.
A show that garnered such a large following in part due to its bloodshed, violence, twists, turns and suspense decided to answer the most pressing question of all by holding a random discussion...
... between largely unimportant characters, based on what we've seen from them over the years.
This was the epitome and the essence of an anticlimactic development.
And then the guy being held prisoner was somehow the one who made the strongest recommendation... of Bran Stark!
Yes, that Bran Stark!
This is someone who has spent the entire season saying he actually isn't Bran Stark any longer and, well, that's about it.
He's been entirely mundane and useless. He just sits there and utters mysterious things that sound all important, but actually don't take the show anywhere.
Moreover, Tyrion's explanation for arriving at Bran is because.... ummm.... stories are very powerful? So they should go with the guy whose whole story has been just sitting in a wheelchair and mumbling about a great deal of nonsense for years?
Bran was sitting next to one young woman who overcame being raped and assaulted and married off multiple times to rise up and rule the North -- and another who traveled the world, trained to be an assassin and literally just saved mankind.
(Let's also remember the fact that Tyrion asked Bran about being Lord of Winterfell this season and he replied that he doesn't "want" anymore. But how he's all like, Dude, I wheeled myself out here just because I totally wanna rule everything!)
I wasn't interested in any sort of ending that simply gave the fans what they wanted (namely Sansa, based on my social media research/use) -- but this almost felt like a troll job.
Like the writers went out of their way to put the most uninteresting and tedious character as possible on the Throne.
(For the record, yes, I'm aware that George R.R. Martin very likely told Benioff and Weiss that Bron wins this honor in the end -- but I also assume his character is far better developed in the books.)
In the end, most of the main characters ended up in a sensible place.
It makes sense that Sansa would be named Queen of the Independent North... and that Arya would not want to be a Lady and was done being an Assasin... and that Jon would return to the place where he truly belongs... and even that Tyrion would be Hand of the King, despite giving Dany some really awful advice for a long while there.
(Can we also talk real quick about that Small Council meeting? What the heck was that? It felt like it came out of some awkward spinoff.)
(And can we also talk about Tyrion spending the last number of months continually backing Dany, to the point where he sent Varys to his death for disagreeing... and now everyone is just totally down with his suggestion for the next ruler. Might it be possible he actually has terrible judgment of people?)
The problem wasn't where the characters ended up. It was how they got there.
The storytelling felt rushed all season long, until they seemingly just ran out of story halfway through the finale and decided to just have everyone talk it out for about 45 minutes and straight up tell the viewers what was happening.
It was deeply unsatisfying -- the choice of Bran, the predictable killing of Dany, the slow pacing and the lack of any exciting payoff. All of it.
Do you agree? Disagree?
GRADE THE GAME OF THRONES FINALE NOW: