Scientologists to Taylor Swift: Join Our Freaky Space Cult!

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When us regular folk find ourselves overcome by the occasional wave of existential dread, we have various options for tamping down the terror.

Some folks turn to Jesus, others to a fifth of Maker's Mark, and no doubt lots of folks -- residents of Kentucky, mostly -- enjoy a heady cocktail of equal parts divine salvation and blackout-inducing hooch.

Tom Cruise at Mummy Premiere

The same is true of Hollywood A-listers, except their numbing agent preferences run more toward cocaine and the homespun wisdom of Mr. L. Ron Hubbard.

Hubbard, as you may know, is the founder of Scientology, and some have described him as the most powerful man in Hollywood.

Sure, he's been dead for 33 years, but Hubbard's followers believe he's "still with us" in the spiritual sense and regularly performs miracles like convincing the masses that Tom Cruise is taller than 5'4".

Tom Cruise for The Mummy

Countless celebrities are already under the sway of Ghost Hubbard and the alien overlord Xenu, who populated Earth with human souls 75 million years ago.

(We're not joking. This is really what Scientologists believe.)

But Scientology's hunger for human souls is almost as powerful as L. Ron Hubbard's -- and it seems the CoS has already set its sights on their next A-list victim recruit.

At the Billboard Music Awards

Yes, according to a new report from Radar Online, Scientology officials are more obsessed with Taylor Swift than 14-year-old girl who just got dumped for the first time.

“The church would be thrilled to have someone like Taylor with her massive fan base to attract new, younger members,” a source tells the site.

And apparently, CoS officials spotted an opening when they learned that Taylor recently sent a video message to actress and lifelong Scientologist Elisabeth Moss.

Elisabeth Moss on Hulu

“Taylor was responding to an interview Elisabeth had given where she said that she listens to Taylor’s music in her dressing room,” says the insider.

“When she viewed the video, Elisabeth’s face lit up like a Christmas tree and she sent a message to Taylor saying, ‘Taylor, I’m free to hang out anytime!’”

Yes, like a drug pusher in a '90s afterschool special, these intergalactic loonies approach you as a friend, and the next thing you know, you're writing a six-figure check to have your thetans cleansed, or some sh-t.

Taylor Swift in Sydney

“Now that Elisabeth has made a connection with Taylor, it will be her job to get Taylor to trust her and slowly sell her on the benefits of Scientology,” the source adds.

“But even if she doesn’t, Elisabeth has already scored a win by having Taylor buddy up to a Scientologist.

"The church loves that kind of positive press.”

Taylor Swift Sequined Dress Photo

What is it with the fringe weirdos of American society trying to claim Taylor as their own?

First, the MAGA crowd tried to force itself on Swift, and now the Hubbardites are attempting to beam her up.

If that's the price of fame, we'll stick with living out the remainder of our sad lives in total obscurity, thank you very much.

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Taylor Swift Biography

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Taylor Swift Quotes

I think it's kind of fun to call out your ex-boyfriends. Like why do this if you're not gonna take the opportunity to always have the last word. It's so much fun.

Taylor Swift

I saw that documentary on Britney Spears, and I feel bad for her—she can't leave her house!

Taylor Swift