In case you’ve somehow been blissfully unaware of his existence, allow us to fill you in on the newly-hatched-larva-turned-Trump-policy-advisor whos’s adopted the human name of Stephen Miller.
Miller is, to put it bluntly, the absolute worst.
As if you couldn’t tell from those soulless pits of despair he calls eyes, Miller is the kind of guy whose lonely and humiliating teen years drove him to a life of supervillainy, but whose lack of intellect prevented him from going full-Thanos.
The MAGA crowd is torn on Miller.
On the plus side, he’s fully committed to the cause of evil.
(It’s Miller who’s said to be most responsible for the Trump administration’s decision to separate immigrant children from their families. One source claimed the 32-year-old "enjoys" seeing photos of kids in cages.)
But on the other hand, Miller’s rodent-like appearance and Woody Allen-like mannerisms are basically what the average irate Trump supporter sees when he closes his eyes and envisions a "cuck" – something he presumably does several dozen times a day.
So perhaps we can all momentarily set aside our political differences (Ed. note: LOLOLOLOL) and share in a laugh over Lil Stevey’s recent unagi-related misfortune.
You see, Miller is the latest victim of the objectively awesome trend of regular citizens giving Trump staffers hell in public places.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders was kicked out of a restaurant; Scott Pruitt caught heat from a sh-t-talking mom and then freakin’ resigned; Kellyanne Conway can’t walk down the street without passersby shouting Bible verses in hopes that she’ll explode she’ll melt in comical fashion, like Nazis of yore.
As for Stephen Miller, well … he threw out $80 worth of sushi and then bragged about it for some reason.
Yes, according to a new feature in The Washington Post that details the various ways in which being a Trump staffer will justly ruin your life, Miller recently picked up a to-go order from a sushi restaurant near his apartment in D.C.
As he was leaving the establishment, Miller heard someone shout his name.
He turned to see a bartender from the restaurant hitting him with a pair of one-digit salutes.
Being a member of the most ultra-masculine, supremely-alpha administration in history, Miller naturally pulled a U-turn and swiftly kicked the guy’s ass.
Just kidding, he scurried back to his apartment and tossed the sushi in the trash.
For some reason, Stephen told his co-workers about the incident the next day, presumably thinking he would receive a round of high-fives and maybe even a seductive look from a comely intern.
Instead, Miller has once again assumed the role of national laughingstock, and he has no one to blame but himself.
At least when Trump wanted to exact revenge on the people who picked on him, he did something that made sense like stealing an election.
American democracy can be rebuilt, but once your California rolls hit this morning’s coffee grounds, they’re gone forever.