Martin Shkreli Sentenced to 7 Years in Prison!!!

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Like many Americans, the early months of 2018 may have left you with the distinct sense that the world has lost its way, and truth and justice have fallen victim to the pressures and temptations of the modern age.

But it's always darkest before the dawn, and today the citizenry of this proud nation can come together to celebrate the comeuppance of a world-class douche nozzle:

Martin Shkreli is a Douche

You may remember Martin Shkreli as the "Pharma Bro" who jacked up the price of a life-saving medication by more than 5,000 percent during his brief time as CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.

The world quickly learned that Shkreli was not merely a calculating business man who saw an opportunity to widen his profit margins, but a full-blown cartoon supervillain who reveled in sowing chaos, tormenting those who he believed to be his enemies, and generally behaving like a flat-out penis wrinkle.

While the best-known example of Shkreli's rampant dickishness might be his decision to purchase the exclusive rights to a $2 million Wu Tang Clan album, which he then refused to release to the public, his sinister actions were taking place behind closed doors.

Back in December of 2015, Shkreli was arrested for securities fraud, having allegedly defrauded investors during his time as a hedge fund manager.

Martin Shkreli Photo

Today, Shkreli was sentenced to seven years in prison for his crimes.

Those present in the courtroom say the 34-year-old openly wept as his sentence was read.

"I'm not the same person I was. I know right from wrong," Shkreli told the judge while pleaing for clemency.

"I know what it means to tell the truth and what it means to lie. I am terribly sorry I lost your trust. You deserve far better," he told the investors he defrauded.

“I was wrong. I was a fool. I should have known better.”

Shkreli

Neither the judge nor US Attorney Jacqueline Kasulis was moved to sympathy for Shkreli:

“I  want to make clear that Mr. Shkreli is not a child,” Kasulis told the court.

“Mr. Shkreli is about to turn 35 years old, he’s a man. He’s not a teenager who just needs some mentoring. He is a man who needs to take responsibility for his actions.”

Adding insult to injury, Shkreli's own attorney told the judge that he often wants to punch his client in the face, but that the former CEOs status as "the most hated man in America" should not affect his sentencing.

Shkreli has behind bars since September, when his parole was revoked after he posted threats to Hillary Clinton on his Facebook page.

We're sure he'll be missed by ... his mom? Maybe he had a doorman he was nice to, or something?

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