If you're familiar with Sean Hannity, you know that he's the national news media's answer to the former fat kid who went from bullied to bully after making third string offensive line, and who now makes up for lost time by shoving twice as many kids into lockers.
Hannity used to beat up on his on-air partner, Alan Colmes, who was clearly meant to play the role of the Fox News audience's idea of a typical liberal: meek, bookish, always wrong.
But these days, Hannity is on his own, and so he's forced to terrorize less likely victims.
Like, say, the families of promising young men murdered in their prime.
As you've likely heard by now, a DNC employee named Seth Rich was tragically shot dead at the age of 27 in July of last year.
Police have concluded that Rich's murder was part of a botched robbery attempt, but naturally, the tin foil-hat-wearing nut jobs who brought us #Pizzagate and Alex Jones heard the words "murder" and "DNC" in the same sentence and immediately became fully erect.
Having long ago exchanged his soul for a profitable share in the 49-65 demo, Sean Hannity has decided in recent weeks to force Rich's family to relive the grim details of their son's murder in service of a conspiracy theory that his own network has renounced.
Yes, Fox News officially believes there's no connection between Rich's murder and the Hillary Clinton email scandal.
(Ya know, because why in the hell would there be?)
Additionally, Rich's family has publicly asked Hannity to stop politicizing their son's murder and dragging his legacy through the mud.
But at first, Hannity refused to let it go.
Not only because it was great for whipping up a frenzy at retirement communities all over the country, but also because he had some great sources on his side:
We're talking about folks like international fugitive Julian Assange and a hacker named - we sh-t you not - Kim Dotcom.
Move over, Woodward and Bernstein! Assange and Dotcom are not members of Tracy Morgan's entourage on 30 Rock, but rather totes legit journalists here to steal your crown!
Many advertisers who aren't thrilled with the idea of terrorizing parents who recently lost a child have already jumped ship, and Hannity was forced to issue an on-air pseudo-apology earlier this week.
Now, Hannity has announced some unexpected "time off," which is the Fox News-speak equivalent of when your parents say they're taking the family dog to live on a farm upstate.
Hannity addressed the rumors that he's being canned by claiming (like O'Reilly and Kelly before him) that his vacation was totally planned and he'll be back before you know it.
"ANNUAL Memorial Day long weekend starts NOW," Hannity tweeted, adding, for clarification, that he has not taped his "last show."
Yes, friend of the working man Sean Hannity might be in the midst of a tireless effort to expose the political scandal of a lifetime, but sometimes you just have to take a five-day long weekend to get your chillax on, ya know?
Hopefully, Sean gets the R&R he needs, and returns ready to stoke the flames of some Des Moines meth-head's dangerous paranoia.
After all, the parents of murdered young people aren't gonna bully themselves.
UPDATE: Fox News has responded to this report, exclusively telling The Hollywood Gossip, "Like the rest of the country, Sean Hannity is taking a vacation for Memorial Day weekend and will be back on Tuesday. Those who suggest otherwise are going to look foolish.”
We look forward to seeing you Tuesday, Sean! Even if it does mean we'll "look foolish."