Back in September of 2015, Nicole Arbour’s "Dear Fat People" video offended anyone who’s ever been overweight, anyone who’s ever known anyone who was overweight, and anyone with even the slightest understanding of how comedy is supposed to work.
Unfortunately, the clip was so horrendously bad that it gave Arbour a modicum of social media renown.
It’s like if Rebecca Black’s "Friday" were hateful instead of just irritating.
Fortunately, Arbour’s fame clock is currently at the 14:59 mark, which means she needs to pull out all the stops if she wants to be remembered as anything other than the sad, sad fulfillment of an Andy Warhol prophecy.
Normally we’d count her out, but Nicole is thirstier than a hungover Lawrence of Arabia, and now that it seems she’s figured out a way to keep her career alive by drinking the blood of her fellow Z-listers.
As you may have heard, Vanderpump Rules star Scheana Marie has filed for divorce from her husband, Mike Shay.
In fairness, Sheana and Shay are considerably more famous than Arbour, but you’re judged by the company you keep, and apparently Mike and Nicole are close friends who probably have long, serious discussions about comedy, a la Ariana Madix.
It seems Mike is part of a hip hop crew called Dat Dope Group (Ed. note: Picture 350 "crying with laughter" Emojis here.), and because nothing could be that dumb without having Nicole Arbour involved, Nicole Arbour is involved.
Nicole and Mike recently premiered a single called "Show Me How You Werk", because apparently they have no sympathy for the fact that we can’t laugh for the next 80 years and live normal productive lives.
Here they are at some sort of red carpet event showing off their best "I totally belong here" faces:
So what does all of this have to do with Scheana?
Good question, hypothetical person who cares enough about Nicole Arbour to read this far into an article about her. (Hi, Nicole!)
Nicole has been saying words about Scheana, accusing her of lying about Shay’s disappearance and blaming her for the dissolution of the marriage:
“When Scheana reported that Mike was missing, he was performing live shows and she knew where he was,” Nicole recently told Radar Online.
“He was on red carpet! Like that’s how much of a lie all of this was.”
Going on long after you want her to stop talking is Nicole’s signature move, so she did exactly that, adding:
“[The divorce] is definitely Scheana’s fault and she tried to sabotage Mike’s live show because she’s jealous that he was getting more attention than her.
“She needs a storyline so she made up that he’s doing drugs and drinking again, and that just wasn’t true. That’s what sparked the breakup.”
Arbour went on to say that Scheana basically treated her divorce as a ratings stunt for Bravo:
“She made up those things up to try and have an interesting storyline to get a lot of attention around the Vanderpump Rules premiere,” Nicole said.
“And throwing your husband under the bus while he’s completely clean and sober and happy and working on something he’s completely proud of is disgusting.”
In case you had any lingering doubts about what team she’s on, Arbour added:
“Mike is amazing and is very talented and I’m very happy he can focus on things that he’s good at with people who support him now,”
We imagine she would have gone on to propose marriage, but Mike used to be overweight, and Nicole would hate to look like a hypocrite.
An obnoxious professional troll, sure, but not a hypocrite.