You didn't think you would get out of 2016 without the universe once again testing the limits of believability and forcing you to seriously consider your stoner friend's theory that the Matrix was a documentary, did you?
Well, that's just silly.
The Year From Hell may be coming to a close, but the reign of the bad guys it brought to power has just begun.
Our guess is that sometime in early 2017, Trump and Putin will sit down with a Risk game board and a Sharpie and circle the parts of the world doomed for nuclear annihilation while this aspiring supervillain serves refreshments and takes notes:
In case you've somehow remained blissfully unaware of his existence, that's former pharmaceutical exec turned professional troll Martin Shkreli.
Shkreli first gained fame for jacking up the price of a life-saving medication used by AIDS and cancer patients by roughly 5,000 percent (not a typo) during his time as CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.
He gained the sort of viral fame that's not supposed to outlive one 24-hour news cycle, but Shkreli beat the odds by taking douche-baggery to previously unimagined extremes.
One of the 32-year-old asshat's strangest techniques for remaining semi-relevant is screwing with rappers (What could go wrong?) by obtaining the rights to their music and either releasing it or not releasing, depending on what will piss them off more.
Shkreli's first experiment with antagonizing guys who boast about violence for a living came when he purchased a $2 million Wu Tang Clan album, seemingly so that he could experience the joy of not streaming it for anyone else.
Shkreli wound up feuding with Ghostface Killah, and continues to draw breath for reasons that remain unclear.
Martin must have really enjoyed his near-death experience, because he's been buying and stealing unreleased hip hop music ever since.
Sometimes it works out for him, and he's able to piss of millions of people, which we assume is the only way he can achieve sexual climax, but sometimes it doesn't go so well, such as the time some hero stole $15 million from Shkreli while he was trying to obtain the exclusive rights to Kanye West's latest album.
Moments ago, Shkreli decided to kick off a beef with Lil Wayne by streaming portions of the rapper's unreleased Tha Carter V album:
"He's talking about me in that song," Shkreli tells the camera in the clip above, pointing to himself for emphasis.
"Weezy. Cash Money."
Yeah, we get it, Martin.
Did someone let this kid have sugar? You know how he gets!
if you're a hip hop fan, you're probably aware that the highly-anticipated album was scheduled to be released back in October of 2014, but has seen more than two years in delays due to ongoing legal battles between Wayne and his former label boss Birdman.
Shkreli wasn't a thing back then (how we long for those times), so if he really is name-checked in a verse, then Wayne has clearly been tinkering with Carter V.
Thus far, there's no confirmation on whether or not the track is actually about Shkreli, but multiple sources have verified that Wayne is pissed and planning legal action.
So there's hope for justice in the new year yet.
Not only is Shkreli set to be sued and possibly marked for assassination by Weezy F. Baby, he's also scheduled to face trial for conspiracy to commit securities fraud.
Here's hoping Marty ends up in Riker's and they give him Wayne's old cell.
We're sorry we doubted you, 2017.
Please make this happen for us.