As you may have heard, Malia Obama was caught smoking pot at the Lollapalooza music festival in Chicago last month.
The incident has made news, because apparently teenagers getting high at a concert is the kind of thing we should all worry about in the midst of the most bonkers election year in history.
As you can see, video evidence of the toke heard 'round the world has emerged, and it's already racking up crazy views on YouTube.
The totes un-chill narc who blew Malia in is an 18-year-old fellow festival-goer with the George R.R. Martin-esque name of Jerrdin Selwyn.
Selwyn gave her full account of the incident to Radar Online, like she witnessed the freakin' Kennedy assassination or something:
"I saw some young guy hand her a cigarette; she took at least one hit on it. She had it in her hand for about one minute then gave it back to him,” Selwyn told the site.
“She was literally only a few feet from me ... and she was the only person who had any form of pipe or cigarette that I could see.”
“All during this time, the Secret Service was in the background, I’m not sure whether or not they saw her take a hit on a joint,”
Selwyn further blew up Malia's spot (You're totally gonna be the RA's bestie in college, Jerrdin.) by revealing that her toke buddy might have been a dude she's dating on the sly.
“I saw the same guy sitting in a chair with Malia crouched down in front of him near the fencing area,” she revealed.
“I walked past them on my way out and I heard Malia ask him, “Do you want to go smoke?'
“I didn’t hear his response but he got up after a few seconds and they walked off together."
Well, well, well. Someone get Trey Gowdy and Ken Starr on the phone, because we've got a scandal on our hands that could make Watergate look like Teapot Dome.
(Did we successfully convince you that we paid attention in history class? We didn't think so.)
This whole molehill situation took an interesting twist today when folks who spent way too much time examining the footage claimed that it appeared that Malia is actually smoking plain, store-bought tobacco.
If it was a regular old Marlboro ("Harmless tobacco," in the words of Mr. Burns), then Malia isn't the first Obama to develop a taste for the cancer sticks.
Her father smoked for several years and countless photos of the Prez enjoying a cig (many of them photoshopped) surfaced during his early years in the White House.
They were often found on conservative websites that sought to tarnish Obama's image, but somehow, they only made the coolest commander-in-chief since Franklin Pierce (Trust us, that was a down-ass dude.) look even cooler.
To clarify: smoking isn't cool; Obama just looked cool while doing it.
So stick to weed, Malia!
It's cool that you're taking a gap year, but fill it with THC, not tumors!