The Royals Season 2 Premiere Recap: This Cannot Come to Good

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Television's most fictitious royal family is back for a second season on E!, and where the storyline goes is anyone's guess.

If last night's premiere is any indication, the series aims to one-up last year's blend of sex, scandals, silliness and cringe-inducing burns from Liz Hurley.

Picking up where last season ended, The Royals Season 2 Episode 1 saw Cyrus behaving like the poor man's Henry VIII whilst taking fashion cues from the palace tapestries.

If this show was even remotely clever, I'd ignore the factual errors pertaining to the royal structure of the United Kingdom.  

The writing is crap, the acting is second-rate (soz, Dame Joan Collins, even though ILY), and the gratuitous shots of bums and drugs has me wondering if The Royals will live long enough to make it to season three.

The network's first scripted series was given the green light for season two even before the pilot aired, which forces me to declare that it has both jumped the gun and the shark.

For someone who's watched The Vampire Diaries since season one, it's very bold of me to declare this show the worst thing to happen to television since Hallmark's William & Catherine: A Royal Romance.

The plots are nearly impossible, and require several looks back at season 1 in order to keep up.  

Cyrus paid off a doctor to declare twins Liam and Eleanor illegitimate (no blood test needed), but then King C. sends him off to Gibraltar for a three-year stint, which bums Dr. Life-Ruiner out because he did what His Majesty commanded.

Eleanor's persistent drug use is getting a little old.  Doesn't she have enough activities to distract her, what with finding out who murdered her older brother and King Simon?

If we could also skip awkward sex scenes ("si, si!") and back shots of the prime minister in a leather thong and thigh-highs, that would be great.  There's a less blatant way to show the darker side of aristocracy and money, but that would require an entirely new production team.  

Cyrus had a swan cooked, then gingerly consumed its one-graceful carcass it as the show's only light, Dame Joan Collins paid him a visit.  

There was talking of gambling, debts being paid (a 20 pound note bearing Simon's face, covered by another 20 pound note bearing that of Cyrus), followed by "Duchy" giving Cyrus the old "hip hip hooray for you, Your Majesty."

Jasper's been reinstated, Ted the terrible bodyguard has a new roommate and Cyrus' odd daughters are...I don't even know.  

Are you for or against E!'s soapy version of a monarchy? Follow the link to watch The Royals online and discuss it in the comments below!

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