True Tori Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Tori, Dean, Mary Jo and the Love Guru

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Tuesday night on Lifetime's True Tori Season 2 Episode 5, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott found themselves at odds about a number of things.

Knock us over with a feather, we know. Absolutely jarring.

Specifically, True Tori Season 2 Episode 5 saw Tori confront Dean with allegations levied by his ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, his first wife and baby mama.

What a totally awesome, unscripted idea by the producers.

Because when you’re having trouble overcoming your husband’s affair, you must speak with the woman he was married to when he cheated with YOU.

“Our common denominator is Dean,” Tori tells the camera.

“It just makes sense that we’d want to talk about it.”

Perfect sense. Anyone in America would do this.

Tori and Mary Jo Eustace meet for lunch, during which she awkwardly produces a love letter that Dean wrote to her back when they were still together.

It says she is the love of his life. Tori shudders.

Apparently unaware that marriage is supposed to be forever, and he was married before, Spelling is taken aback that he once felt this way for Mary Jo.

Mary Jo tells Spelling that Dean was “determined” to cheat with her, insinuating it was for money and not just 'cause he liked to masturbate to Tori on 90210.

Strange as it is to say, the ladies end up bonding over this lunch and by the end, Tori observes that she now trusts Dean’s ex-wife more than Dean himself.

He sets the bar very low, but we see her point.

When she gets home, the actress finds what else but a love note from Dean waiting for her on a kitchen counter!! WHAT DO YOU F--KING KNOW!?

“It’s a love note from Dean to me, and I just read a love note from Dean to Mary Jo. How ironic is this?” Tori ponders, as if anyone believes a second of this.

Dean is not happy, saying he was a "weak, emasculated individual" in his first marriage, that he was on cocaine a lot, and feels like now he's a "laughing stock."

Just wait 'til Emily Goodhand comes on the show next.

In any case, Tori feels guilty for worsening their marriage with all the drama you see when you watch True Tori online, so she decides to bring Dean to a guru.

For real. Guru Singh will try to help their relationship.

Question #1 posed by the love doctor? “Who is Tori?”

Dean's response: “Intelligent, immature, a baby, afraid of hurting feelings, afraid of hurting people, ill, physically, amazing wife, amazing mom, full of love, amazing touch."

"The love of my life,” he adds, forcing it a bit there.

Who is Dean? Tori says, "My love, little boy, caring, selfish, lost, smart and stupid,” only to have Dean add, “Not worthy, conflicted, confused, complicated.”

Then, in the weirdest and most uncomfortable scene ever, the guru tells Dean to let himself accept the breakdown, which in turn, results in a “release.”

Dean cries like a baby, moaning and wailing.

It's very odd, but the guru totally "gets" Dean after this and tells Tori, after laughing hysterically, that her husband is perfectly fine and is now "a true man."

Or something.

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True Tori Quotes

"What's keeping you in this marriage?" - True Tori producer to Tori, who cried and said that when there are children involved, you look at it differently (on reality television if at all possible)

"I was feeling really bad about my potato-making skills." - Tori, after Dean felt that she had microwaved a potato incorrectly, sending her plunging into an existential crisis and a state of instant self-loathing