The long, strange trip that is Amanda Bynes’ life just took its strangest turn yet, as the troubled star claims she will be soon making a trip down the aisle.
Yes, Amanda Bynes claims Amanda Bynes is engaged!
Whether or not we believe her is another story entirely, given the events of the past week, and basically the last two years to be perfectly honest.
But who is Bynes’ fiance, who may or may not exist?
The 28-year-old tells In Touch Weekly that she’s engaged to Caleb (no surname gven), a 19-year-old who lives in Costa Mesa, Calif., and works in a bait shop.
“I am very needy for friendship and I hate men. I want to f–k them, but I can now say I’m engaged … get away from me,” Amanda told the publication.
“I want to be married and I want to be away from people.”
Not unlike the video of Amanda Bynes plowing over people on a bike while swerving through the streets of New York, this would be hilarious if it weren’t so sad.
Speaking of which, the "retired and gorgeous" star says they want to live in NYC, as she "really [likes] walking and riding [her] bike, and in California, you need to drive.”
She can cause fewer fatalities on a bike at least?
“I really do not enjoy driving,” said Bynes, who got arrested for DUI last week, however, “I don’t like the way I look in a car. The lighting is very bad.”
This is a woman who has been spotted with her face bandaged and talking to inanimate objects, so whatever keeps her out of a car is a good thing.
The more quotes she offers, the less we believe her and the more concerned we are for her well being, but she says she plans to start a family with her man.
That means getting pregnant ASAP.
“I want boys, for sure. However many I can pop out,” the celebrity says. “I don’t want a gorgeous girl around. Then I [would] feel way jealous. Ew.”
As for her alleged wedding day, “I honestly would rather not [design my dress], but I’m so particular about how I look that I cannot imagine not designing it," she says.
We would love to end this article by wishing Amanda and Caleb a lifetime of happiness, but are too worried about her to be amused at this point.
If we were Rick and Lynn Bynes, we would be on a plane from California this minute to try to retrieve their daughter before this ends very, very badly.