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Turns out, Charlie Sheen is more than an unemployed actor, Vatican assassin and ridiculous quote machine.

He’s also a chef!

In a new skit for Funny or Die, the star says his goal is to appear on every television network in existence, while extolling the virtues of his “winning recipes.” How does he prepare these dishes? Through the use of equipment that includes a “wand for a warlock” and a “cauldron of awesomeness,” of course. After all:

“Winners stalk and cook their own food without earthly weapons…”

Charlie Sheen: Funny or Die Skit